


Stuck In Reverse

by WhiteOrchids_N



Category: Shefani, The Voice - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2018-12-05 16:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11582286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiteOrchids_N/pseuds/WhiteOrchids_N
Summary: This is one of those 'will love conquer all' kinda stories!





	1. Chapter 1

I was wandering down the streets. My brain was a mess, my heart broken and my limbs numb. I felt so very, very tired. I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be out on the open, walking at the edge of some rather busy street. I shouldn’t, not while a few tears were running down my cheeks anyway. Somewhere in the back of my mind I could imagine people behind the wheel who pass me by taking pictures of me, but I didn’t care. I should, but I didn’t.

Instead I let out a deep breath and threw my head up to the dark, stormy clouds. I ran my fingers through my hair and I could feel the first raindrops fall against my skin. I hadn’t even brought a jacket with me. The best thing to do right now is to look for shelter, I knew that much.

I swallowed. A place for shelter? Where could that be? I even let out a bitter chuckle when I realised that I had no idea where I was headed or where I could go. The soft raindrops soon turned into pouring rain. Cars raced me by, making the rain raise from the grounds right on top of my way too baggy jeans. But again, I couldn’t care. I kept on walking and walking, I politely shook my head no when some nice woman offered me a ride. Instead I eventually let my body fall down on a bench on a bus stop.

The first plan was to just hide away, to bring my hands up to my eyes and burry my elbows in my knees and pretend I’m not even here. But somehow I found myself keeping my eyes on the dark clouds while hearing nothing but the thunder and the flooding rain on top of the bus shelter. Not a single soul was to be seen around me. Who would be so crazy to actually get out in this weather, am I right?

Don’t ask me for how long I sat there, I don’t recall. All I know is that at the end, the sun had started to set, my body was getting colder and eventually the street lights illuminated. At one point I reached for my phone that was in my drenched jeans pocket and unlocked the screen. Not a single message.

That’s the moment you start to worry. Because what now? What do I do know? Where do I go? I could feel my heart start racing, my eyes tearing up again, because I had not a single clue. And for the first time in years, I wondered why the hell I ended up in this city, with barely any friends, and the friends and family I have states away from me? And with that, I buried my eyes in my hands and let the thoughts run through my head. I couldn’t go home and I had made up my mind.

So I pulled myself up from the bench and determinedly walked into a specific direction. I hadn’t walked in these streets for quite a while, maybe over a year even, but the neighbourhood didn’t seem to have changed much. Still the same, fancy villas. It took a few minutes for me to reach the right one, but when I did, I felt relieved already. There are many memories hanging around this house, many nights had been spend there, much laughter, lot of food and just genuinely good company.

Suddenly I felt a bit odd to have to walk back up to the house and I hesitated for a while. But after a while, I realised I barely had any other option. I knew I could easily go on a hotel, with the risk of getting into the tabloids, but then I still had no one to talk to. No one to ask for advice, someone to just show me a little love.

And with that thought, I was standing in front of that black, front door and raised my hand up to press the doorbell. An immediate noise of a barking dog reached my ears, followed by a familiar voice correcting the puppy.

Only a few seconds later, I heard footsteps and then the door clicked open.

At first a smile caught my eyes, followed by surprise, then confusion and at last worry.

“Blake?”, His voice broke through and I noticed how he instantly leaned forward and placed his hand on my bicep. His hair looked a little bit greyer than the last time I saw him. For the moment he had some weird ass moustache and also a few extra wrinkles had started to shine through on his forehead and right under his eyes. Also new glasses on his nose. For a man late the forties, he still looked handsome as hell.

“Come inside, hurry, you’re completely drenched”, I vaguely heard him say while pulling me by the arm inside his hallway. I was a bit taken aback by smelling such a homey scent, as in a mixture of delicious cooking, great perfumes and something else I couldn’t really place. When I turned around and faced the brown haired man again, he gave me a pitiful smile and almost immediately after that, his arms hugged me tight.

 

 

 

That’s how I ended up here, two mornings later, staring out of the window. Leaves started to turn, some even had fallen off already. Isn’t it awful how that keeps on happening? Every fall, every year. For a short period of time they get enough water to blossom and spread the colour green. But some greater force always decides to cut it off, to just let the beauty of it die. Something kills the green every once in a while, just like it does with everything. One day you see everything in such bright colours, you smile at the woman you love with all your heart while whispering the three meaningful words into her ear as you hold her close. And with a lot of luck she’ll smile right back at you which causes the weirdest, most amazing feeling to run through your veins. And before you know, you wake up and it’s gone. Just like that, in a blink of an eye.

 I saw another leave fall down on the ground. I swallowed.

“Blake…”, The pity in his voice, it all feels too familiar. So I ignored the noise around me and kept on staring at that one specific leave laying in the grass in his backyard.

“Blake”, he repeated with a worried sight and I could hear footsteps walk up to me. A mug was placed down on the table I was sitting at and soon it  was shoved my way. Coffee, black. Just like she liked it. I mean, I like it with no sugar or milk as well, and the way we take our coffee might actually be one of the little things we have in common. My eyes went up from the steaming mug to find that man in front of me. His brown eyes sparkled with concern and I was sure that if I listened good enough I’d probably hear a fastened heartbeat.

“Thank you”, I spoke gratefully, causing him to give me another pitiful smile.

“You know you can stay here as long as you want, but maybe—“, he started and I cut him off immediately.

“Don’t do that, Adam. Don’t try to fix this”, I answered abruptly causing him to nod while taking the seat next to me. I know he’d do that. He always does. He soon had joined me to stare outside at the miserable view of a dying tree. Never knew I’d feel a connection rather with a tree than with humans. It’s not like me. I love human beings, I love to laugh and make conversations. But now I wish I could just disappear into thin air. Right now I wish I could be one of those leaves that peacefully dwarreled in the wind and fell down on the grass.

“Do you wanna talk?”,

“Nope”,

“You have to. You’ve barely said a word since you walked in here two days ago”, Adam’s voice always used to make me feel better. Feel loved and wanted in this world. And I had hoped that coming here would do just that. But it didn’t work. Not this time. I can’t imagine how my life should every go back on.

“I called your wife”, Hearing the word wife, imagining the face I’ve associated the word with for so many years already… It made my body ache. So I snapped my head up and I could feel my eyes fill with anger.

“I told you not to!”, I snapped in disbelief but Adam was looking at me with a stern face.

“And yet I did”, he shoot right back. “Because you won’t tell me anything!”, He had every right to start to get angry, he did. So I just threw my eyes down, avoiding his.

“She didn’t pick up. Five times a voicemail”, he said  after another silence.

“Just leave this alone, Adam, please”, I could not do this right now. Just imagining her, talking about her, I couldn’t. Even just breathing hurt right now.

“Is everything alright with her?”, Adam ignored my previous words causing me to just shrug.

“I have no idea”,

 “Does she answer your calls?”, he tried again while his eyes were burning a hole through my scull.

“Again, I have no idea”, I swallowed trying to hold back the tears that were filling my eyes.

“Buddy, come on, tell me what happened”, The way he was begging me to speak up, to put my heart on my sleeve, caught me.

“That’s the problem, Adam… nothing happened”, I saw a small frown form on Adam’s face. “We just started living next to each other. We barely have seen one other lately as she went on tour and then I go on tour and at one point we gave up trying to make it at each other’s concerts… When we did see each other, we didn’t even enjoy the company”, I admitted conflicted and an exhale escaped. Adam clearly didn’t know what to comment as for over ten seconds, none of us said a word. “We grew apart, it’s simple like that”, I decided to add and Adam immediately shook his head.

“I don’t believe that”, He was using a surprised and determined voice, causing me to look up at him confused.

“Are you really planning on giving up now?”, he asked as his chin dropped.

“Adam”, carefully I brought my eyes up and found his concerned ones. “She asked me to leave”,

“So what? You have to fix this!”, He cried out making me forcefully shake my head.

“No I don’t. I can’t”,

“You have to”, He honestly started to irritate me by now because what does he know? How could he possible know anything about my life?

“Why?”, I raised my voice as I threw him a nasty glance.

“Because you called her the love of your life! She saved you. Because she’s not just some girl, Blake! She’s not –“, he abruptly stopped, right in time. He probably had seen the steams of anger coming out of my ears, because he just threw his eyes down and avoided my hurt ones.

“Miranda?”, I filled in. Because he was going to compete her with my ex-wife, of course he was. Everyone would look great compared to her. “I know she’s not”

“You love her and she’s my friend… I can’t see you two apart any longer, I can’t imagine!”,

“Well Adam, with all the respect but we haven’t seen you for an entire year”, I spoke then, surprising him as he was taken aback all of a sudden. “And I get that, ever since the voice ended it’s harder to keep in touch. I don’t blame you. But you have not seen the amazing Gwen and Blake for an entire year. You only know us as the lovebirds…”, I took a pause while throwing my eyes around in his kitchen. They landed upon a frame on a nearby closet.

The photo was from years ago, on New Years Eve. Behati was sitting on Adam’s lap and I was sitting right next to them. And there she was, my wife. She was standing right behind me, her tiny arms wrapped around my neck and her chin resting on my shoulder. But what hit me the most was her beaming smile, those beautiful brown eyes shining with joy.

I closed my eyes. I couldn’t look at that picture any longer. Not now.

“Those lovebirds, they are gone”, I got off of my chest as I kept my eyes closed, while turning my head away from the frame.“They do no longer exist”, I opened my eyes and was met by the dark coffee.

“Her mom…”, Adam spoke and those words caught my attention. Slightly I tilted my head up. “I’m so sorry, we got the cart”, he mumbled and I could feel his tattooed arm being thrown around my shoulder, giving it a short squeeze.

“That’s where it started. After Gwen’s mom passed away, she started to turn her back at me, she isolated herself”, I glanced at Adam who nodded, letting me know he was listening. “I tried everything but she kept on pushing me away until it started to be a habit to not live with her, but live next to her”, I felt my heart break by saying the words out loud. I sighed. “I can’t believe I lost her”,

Five long seconds of silence, as if Adam was considering his words.

“You let her go”, Adam carefully corrected me.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“This is a marriage, Blake. Don’t you think Behati never screamed at me to leave when we fight? Of course! But the rule is that you don’t. You have to be stubborn and you stay. Instead you sleep on the couch a few nights and then things will work out. But you don’t just _actually_ leave”, I know Adam was just trying to give his brotherly advice, but it made me chuckle bitterly.

“I’ve been sleeping on the couch for weeks now, Adam. Whatever I say, she finds a way to turn my words against me, whatever I do, she’ll find a way to be mad at me. I do not know how to fix this”, I cried out as a sudden sob escaped my lips now. His hand squeezed my shoulder again, but I knew his affection would only make things worse now. So suddenly I stood up from my chair and turned my back at him.

“Go home. Try one last time to fix things with your wife. She’s your Gwen, Blake”

I could vaguely hear Adam say. After another minute of me pacing around, not knowing how to handle all of this, I leaned my elbows down on his kitchen counter and hid my face behind my hands.

I heard footsteps in the kitchen then and I knew Adam hadn’t stood up just yet. The quite steps were going my way and at one point I could feel a body stand right next to me. A tiny hand suddenly touched my leg which made me sneak a look from behind my hands.

“Would a hug make you feel better, uncle Blake?”, The 11 year old girl asked me with a sad smile on her face. I returned the smile before glancing over the girl to catch Adam throwing me a warm smile. My eyes fell back on the beautiful girl with brown hair and those hazel eyes that she has from her mom.

“Yeah Dusty, that would help”, I mumbled while crouching down beside her. She threw her arms around my neck and I softly moved my hand over shoulder blades.

“I don’t want you to be unhappy”, she said which made me threw her a hurtful smile. “You had a fight with aunt Gwenie?”, I nodded while swallowing.

“It will be ok”, she wisely spoke then, causing me to smile a little more genuine then.

“How do you know?”, I asked while stroking a lock of hair behind her ear.

“Because you’re uncle Blake and aunt Gwenie, of course”, she giggled as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

“I miss her”, she said then by surprise and it hit me like a knife… I had to clench my teeth to not burst out in tears right then.

“I miss her, too, buddy”,

 

 

 

 

The next day I reluctantly turned my key around and the door opened. I immediately was met by the scent of her rose-ish perfume. I saw the house that we built together. Wooden floor, which was my chose at the end, while I had given in to her having the right to decorate the walls. I smiled at the memory. We were only freshly married back then. It’s weird how we eventually decorated a house that is both Gwen and my taste at the same time. Very opposite tastes, I must say.

I took the first step on the wooden floor that cracked a little. Out of habit I put the keys on the key hanger in the hallway, even though I didn’t know how long I’d be staying. Maybe this was only a stop for clothes, I still wasn’t convinced. The door closed behind me and I could feel the coldness hanging in our home, a coldness no one should ever have to feel. I had to take a couple of breathes before I took off my coat. Silently I started to explore the house, looking for any sight of life.

Picture frames were thrown around my head again. Wedding pictures, vacation pictures or as Gwen likes to call them: ‘vaca memories’ but what actually caught my attention the most, was the one standing on the television table. Hesitantly I walked up to the frame and took it up in my hands. It was a picture we took on our very first date. Back in the day, I hadn’t even been sure yet that it was actually a date. Well to be completely fair, I didn’t realise it was a date until she had suddenly brushed her lips against mine. Sadly the corner of my lips turned up while I swallowed. The picture was a three-part picture out of a photo machine.  On the first one Gwen had been laughing with whatever I had said to make her laugh, the second one was Gwen leaning her head against my chest while looking up to lock her eyes with mine and the third? It was a picture of our first kiss.

Suddenly I heard the wood crack again. Quickly I glanced around and I found those chocolate brown eyes. I took a moment to really take the woman in front of me in. She was wearing her ‘I’m not feeling too well’ kinda sweatpants with some sweater from my merchandise from a couple of years ago on top. Back in the day, when she used to make it to my concerts and I to hers. I took a deep breath in before clumsily putting the frame back on the television table.

“Blake”, she mumbled surprised and I felt a lump create in my throat.

“You’ve been crying”, was the first thing I said because I hated to see the redness around her eyes and the way they were so small because of it.

“So have you”, she mumbled back as I noticed her swallow. She scratched her fingers through her messy bun and she nervously bounched on her feet. “Weren’t you with Adam?”,

“Oh so you did listen to your voicemail?”, I took a few steps closer to her and I saw her nod.

I sat down at the arm of our couch and kept a reasoning distance between us. A silence followed as I noticed her closing her eyes while clinging both her hands to a cup of coffee.

“Where are our kids?”, I asked because there hadn’t been any noise in the house.

“Kingston is studying and Zuma and Apollo are still in school”, I nodded, right it was a normal Thursday as Kingston did not have class on Thursday’s.

“You left”, she whispered.

“You told me to”, I said as in shock while she locked eyes with me. Her brown ones started to fill again and I had to hold myself from jumping up and catching them.

“But you actually left”, The hurt in her voice was awful, I hated it. But at the same time I felt grateful that she felt that way. That showed that she actually still cared about me, right?

“I’d always come back home, you know that”, I felt the distance even though there were only a few steps in between us.

“I did not know that”, her words sounded damaged and I wanted to heal her. I needed to.

“I’m sorry”, It was obvious how she had been avoiding my gaze, but I did not want her to. So instead I pushed myself up from the couch and kept my eyes burned on her. When she did found the courage to look at me, my heart ached. Those brown eyes, she had no idea what they do to me, not even after all those years.

“Can I hug you?”, I asked, which made her frown. Normally we just do, we don’t need to ask and this feels wrong on so many levels. But I needed her close to me, to get rid of the tears that were inside her eyes.

“Maybe”, she answered in an unsure voice, causing me to form a soft smile on my lips, recognizing the playful part inside of her, but soon I turned serious again.

“I’m gonna do it anyway”, I eventually said and only two big steps later, I was standing right in front of her. Gently I moved my hands to her tights. My eyes were still tightly locked on hers, and when she felt the touch of my hands, her eyes grew wider.

I sneaked my arms a little further around her waist. I was the one to look away from her as I leaned in to rest my head on top of her shoulder. It took a couple of seconds before I could feel her arms move away from next to her body. Her tiny hands were suddenly on top of my back and I could feel them move towards my neck.

A relieved sight left her lips and I couldn’t help but nuzzle my nose into her neck a little further, to take in her scent.

“Don’t leave me”, she whispered then out of the blue with an insecure voice.

“Hey, I’m back, I’m home”, I reassured her.

“but promise you won’t leave me”, I could hear her voice crack and my arms tightened around her.

“I promise I wouldn’t want to in a million years”, And I meant it. Her nails were tracing over my neck as I softly brushed my lips on her neck.

“I still love you so much”, she whispered and a smile came on my lips. I had needed to hear those words so badly for such a long time. I lightened my embrace around her and brought a hand up to softly caress my upper parts of my fingers over Gwen’s cheek. My hand eventually turned to fully cup her cheek and she leaned into my touch. She brushed her lips on palm of my hand before she hesitantly caught my eyes.

“We’ll fix this”, I promised her while softly putting my dimples out for her. "We'll go to counceling, we'll communicate, we'll everything to make things better, ok?", She nodded in agreement while reaching her arm up to place her hand on top of mine that was resting on her cheek.

“I love you, too, don’t ever forget that”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one is a rollercoaster, for real

“Don’t”, Gwen grunted. She didn’t even look me in the eye. Instead she just shrugged my hands off of her shoulders.

I sighed. Glancing over her shoulder, I could see how she took a grip on the marble kitchen counter with both her hands. I was standing right behind her, no longer touching her and she exhaled softly.

“Gwen”, I whispered. Her eyes were closed. “Can you please look at me?”,

But no, they stayed shut. Carefully I traced my fingers through her hair again and wiped a strand of hair from her back over her shoulder. Her shoulder became visible again and I allowed my hand to fall back down on it, to get her attention. Her body shifted by my touch, but to my surprise she didn’t shake me off. Instead her lips parted and a conflicted breathe escaped once more.

“Please”, I moved my thumb before leaning in closer to hook my free hand around her middle. Sweetly I dropped a soft kiss on her hair.

A few seconds later, she let go of her tight grip on the counter and hastily turned around. Her eyes wandered over my blue shirt, that I wore simply because I know it’s her favorite one. My hand sneaked a little further around her waist, pulling her towards my chest. Her tiny hand moved over my chest. Her fingertips rouse over the blue fabric, all the way up to my neck.

“What did I do?”, I asked her when I realised she was afraid to look me in the eye. “Did I say something wrong?”,

I started wondering if she even heard me. She kept on following her own hand movements and give me no sign whatsoever that she had heard my words.

“Can we please talk about this?”,

Hesitantly her coffee brown eyes met mine. Her hand froze near my neck. All at once, she let it fall back down beside her own body. Within one step backwards, my hand left her body as well. I frowned by her sudden distant reaction and I instantly regretted not keeping quiet. I wanted her close again, I wanted her hand to roam over my body, I wanted her eyes to look at me, I wanted to kiss all her worries away. So out of pure desperation, I reached my hand back out at her.

I noticed her eyes travel down at my stretched out hand. Her stare kept focused on it for seconds straight. She seemed tangled, as if something was holding her back to reach back out at me. To just let her body fall down against mine, to let me take care of her.

So instead of placing her hand in mine, she turned around, ending up at the fridge to take some vegetables out. She completely ignored my presence from then on, as she even walked by me and sat down at our kitchen table.

When an entire minute had passed and she noticed me still staring at her and I not having moved an inch, she closed her eyes for a few seconds. Nervously she took a deep breath in and out before opening them again to just casually start cutting some tomato.

“Don’t do that! Don’t just freaking pretend I’m not here!”, I cried out desperately while moving to one of the closets as well to take a cutting board and a knife myself. Demonstratively I sat down on the chair right in front of her and putted the cutting board down on the table.

“Oh Jesus, really?”, she mumbled underneath her breath.  “I don’t need your help”, Gwen snapped at me, which made me roll my eyes. Nevertheless I reached for an onion, knowing she hates to cut those, and started to cut it into tiny pieces.

“I do whatever I want”, I muttered frustrated. After 30 seconds of silence, I laid my knife down while letting out another sigh. It was very much obvious how she was still ignoring my gaze.

“Oh damn woman! I can’t do this! I just freaking told the therapist the truth? What did you want me to do? Lie?”, I was the one to raise my voice now and I felt myself boil inside when she just chuckled bitterly.

“How about you won’t put all the blame on me? A relationship consists of two people, Blake”

“What did I do wrong then? I have been by your side the entire time! You wanted space? I gave you space!   You wanted a hug? I hugged you all night! You wanted someone to snap at? I was here! I wanted to help you but you keep on shutting me out, you kept me pushing me away, Gwen… I can’t bring her back, I can’t! If I could, I would!”,

“Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I know I can’t bring my mom back? You’re unbelievable!”,

She broke down while dropping her knife on the table. Her mouth was slightly dropped, clearly being surprised by my previous comments. But somehow the surprise, the anger and even the hurt that slipped through in her last words, made me feel slightly relieved. I needed to see those emotions, she had to show them to me instead of completely isolating herself.  So I just huffed while shaking my head.

“I’m unbelievable? How about you are unbelievable?”,

“Get of my sight! You’re just sitting here to get under my skin and you’re not helping at all, so get the hell out of here!”, She started raising her voice now.

But I promised to not leave her, not in life, but dammit also not out of this freaking kitchen right now. So instead of saying another word, I just bit my tongue and reached for second onion.

“I told you to leave”, But I just shook my head.

“I’m staying, sweetheart. If I want to make my family diner, then I’m gonna do just that”,

“ _Your_ family”, she laughed bitterly while rolling her eyes.

And I can’t deny that that one didn’t hurt. It did. That was as if someone just putted a knife through my back straight in my heart. But I swallowed and just tried to ignore it. After all I knew she’d regret the comment herself as well. I knew she didn’t mean it and that it was just a weakness of a human being in the middle of a fight. People say things they don’t really mean just to get through or to hurt someone’s feelings.

But I know Gwen, she doesn’t hurt people’s feelings on normal base, and she’ll regret it. So I closed my eyes for a second and took a breath in to stay calm. Getting angry and running is exactly what she wants me to do right now after all. So I shouldn’t. I took a deep breath in and out and tried everything in me to not let the tears fall down now.

I knew that I had to open my eyes now, but I couldn’t. It’s terrifying to meet her eyes, just because I didn’t know what I was gonna find in them. Regret already or did she really turn this cold?

“Mom, what the hell”, A male voice. My eyebrows raised up as my eyes flew open. Both of us stirred our heads to find Kingston in the door opening. He was looking at us in disgust. _Shit, right what we needed._

“Blake is family. You know how much we care about him. It’s not because I don’t call him ‘dad’ that he isn’t important”, The young man snarled while travelling his eyes up and down his mom, sickened.

“Your mom didn’t mean it that way, we were just having an argument”, I tried to jump in her defence. But no such luck.

“An argument? You guys are always having arguments lately!”, Kingston raised his voice while shaking his head in disapproval. “I know deep down you two love each other so much, because otherwise you wouldn’t still be sitting here together. But figure it out,  mom -- Blake”, he said now lowering his voice.

“It’s not fun”, he added within a whisper and I saw how he needed to swallow, to not get emotional. But I didn’t know what to say to him to make him feel better, I truly didn’t.

 “You know what? Why don’t you just make dinner for each other? I’m outta here”, he mumbled while walking over to get his coat.

“King! Where do you think you’re going?”, Gwen shoot up from her chair.

“Out! I’m twenty, mom! I don’t wanna be around you right now, I’m going”, he said while putting his coat on. His eyes found mine a second later. “I’m sorry, Blake”,

Gwen’s mouth slightly dropped when she realised he wasn’t running from us, but from her. But she kept quiet as she watched her oldest son walk out of the door.

I nervously fizzled with the onion, while I kept my eyes on my wife staring at the closed the door. She needed a couple more seconds to obtain, I could tell. But after hearing her let out an exhale, she turned her eyes my way. They were different than the last time she gazed at me. Hesitant she made her way back towards the table and well, me. Reluctantly she sat down on the chair again and after a couple of seconds she sighed

To my biggest surprise I saw her stretch her arm out over the table and reached out for me. And for the first time ever, I hesitated to meet her halfway. I wanted to, but I couldn’t bring myself to move my arm. So instead I glanced up and saw her inhale deeply.

She reached further on the table, completely stretching her body out, to be able to place her fingertips on my skin.

“I’m sorry about the family part, I didn’t mean it”, She whispered regretful. Her eyes were thrown down and I saw a single tear roll out of them, landing right on top of the table.

“I know you didn’t”,

“I really shouldn’ve said that, I’m just so tired”, Her voice cracked, which instantly made me open my hand.

“It’s ok”,  I slightly moved to intertwined my fingers with hers, and without a single hesitation, Gwen did the same.

“It’s not, you didn’t deserve that”, she swallowed before opening her eyes. “I am so sorry”,

I gave her a tiny smile and squeezed her hand, but yet I didn’t say a single word.

“I even made you cry”, she said underneath her breath to which I shook my head.

“It’s the onions”, I said, trying to bring a smile to her face again. It worked for a short second, as her eyes locked with mine and she threw me a lovely smile with still watering eyes.

“No it wasn’t”, she rubbed her thumb over the back of my hand. “It was me, I’m sorry”,

“Thank you for apologizing”, I tilted our hands up to place a soft peck on her hand.

“Will we order something in? I’m done with this right now”, she exhaled, talking about, probably, the food. But I immediately wondered whether she was talking about us as well.

“It’s fine, go relax, I’ll finish it”, I decided to pull my hand out of hers to return to cutting the onion. But she kept sitting where she was while I felt her eyes looking at me. They weren’t angry any longer. Instead she was looking at me in worry and in wonder of where things will bring us. She is scared that we won’t be able to find our way back to our happy ending and to be fair, so was I. But soon she started to help me cutting some of the vegetables again.

“Hey, I meant it, you can go relax if you want”, I repeated while buckling my head down to catch her look. She threw me a small smile and gently shook her head.

“No I’m fine, I’m _staying_ ”,

“Good”, A smile crept on my face. When I noticed after a couple of seconds that she had stopped cutting, I looked back up at her, to find her eyes still on me.

“What?”, I chuckled to which she shrugged with a sweet smile now.

“You’re handsome, that’s all”,

I could feel some weird butterflies in my stomach while I smiled her way.

“I am?”, She nodded while moving to stand up. I gave her a curious glance, wondering where she was headed, but she just ended up walking to me. When she was standing right beside me, I felt a little nervous by the closeness. Carefully she moved in between me and the table to straddle me.

Her arms went around my neck. I let go of the knife and was still surprised by her sudden need of affection.

“My hands are kinda dirty from the onions, sweetheart”, I told her, to which she just shook her head.

“I don’t care”,

So I carefully moved my hands to the small of her back while looking at her, slightly confused.

“Do you forgive me?”, And I frowned.

“For just now?”,

she shrugged while looking away from me.

“Hey”, I raised her chin up to make her eyes meet mine. “I told you, I knew you didn’t mean it”,

She nodded while moving her thumb over my neck. “What about everything else?”, her voice cracked again and her eyes filled. “I’ve said so many things that you don’t deserve and—“

“Shht”, I cut her off, while shaking my head. “Darling, hey”, I waited for her eyes to meet mine again. “Of course I forgive you”, I cupped both her cheeks with my hands and slowly rubbed my thumbs over her skin, trying to calm her down.

“But you need to start talking to me, Gwen, you need to open up, let me in, because I don’t know what to do, sweetie, I don’t know how to fix this”,

When she closed her eyes again, a tear streamed down her face, and not much later a slight sob escaped.

“I don’t know how, I’m sorry”,

Instantly I tightened my embrace and pulled her closer to my chest. With my hand on the back of her head, I let her head rest in the crook of my neck. I made a couple hushing noise while moving my fingertips through her hair. Just when I placed another kiss on her scalp, I could feel her breathe stoke again. And I knew that was it.

"I can’t”, she jumped off my lap and before I realised, she had ran off into the living room.

I buried my face into my hands, preventing to cry. From out of the living room I could hear a few sobs coming for long minutes, and after that, things went silent. I threw a short glance into the living room to find her laying on the couch, completely knocked out. A relieved sigh came from my lips. I know she hadn’t slept properly in ages _._

 _It’s weird how grieve works sometimes, give her some time,_ How many times I had to hear that sentence from my friends and family. At the beginning I understood, well I didn’t completely because I haven’t lost my mom, but I can imagine it’s heartbreaking and lifechanging. But it has been a few months now… and sometimes I don’t even recognize her anymore.

To distract myself, I kept on prepping our meal. In the meantime I shoot Kingston a text, asking where he went to which I got a reply quite fast for an upset ‘teenager’, saying he was at his best friend’s Tom. I asked whether he was gonna come home tonight and apologized shortly for the arguments on which he answered he was gonna stay over and that he understood, followed with a heart emoji, which made me smile.

Half an hour later, dinner was ready and I called out for the two other boys to come downstairs. Right after that I walked into the living room, up to the couch. Gwen was laying curled up to a pillow, with her eyes closed. I crouched down right beside her and moved a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Gwen?”, I whispered, but she didn’t even stir a little. A soft sigh left my lips while staring at her. Mascara lines were showing her pain, a pain she didn’t feel like she could share with me. I cupped her cheek and wiped the lines away. She looked so peaceful when she sleeps, so I couldn’t bring myself to actually wake her up. So instead I stood back up and dropped a very soft kiss on her forehead.

I moved back up to the kitchen and closed the door to the living room. Soon the kids arrived and ate dinner with me, after me telling them that their mom was a little sick. We had a good meal, the boys told a few stories, they made me smile and after dropping their plates into the dishwasher, they soon disappeared back into their rooms.

Hours passed by and Gwen still hadn’t woken up yet. It was passed ten, when I eventually started writing a note and carefully placed it on the living room table.

_Dinner in the fridge for you… eat, please! I’m upstairs if you need me. **I love you** , Blake_

I threw her one last glance before walking upstairs. Deep down, all I wanted was to cuddle up to her on the couch and hold her close. But she didn’t want that. She needed space. So as always, I gave it to her and ended up laying on our bed, by myself. I was staring at the ceiling while moving my hands through my hair. I shot a simple glance beside me, to her side of the bed. For nine years, she had always been right there, and when she wasn’t, we’d end up facetiming right before bed. Mostly we just talked a lot in here, about the serious but also just about each day’s stuff. We’d lay facing each other, telling each other about what had happened in between our day, but also drying each other’s tears after a hard one, sharing many laughter, watching a movie or just staring… and well making out and adult stuff. Our best moments probably happened right here.

It’s the time of the day we have for just the two of us, to just enjoy each other’s company. Mostly we stayed up way too late as well, because we never are done talking.

How much can change within a year. I let out a sigh when I saw the sheets empty. To prevent my heart from aching, I instantly looked away and right back on the ceiling. Dammit, I missed her.

 

 

 

 

Somehow in between all my memories and deep thoughts, I must’ve drifted off eventually, because  all at once I was woken up by the closing of our door. I grunted a little before opening my eyes.

Gwen leaned her back against the wall of our bedroom and instantly, I pushed myself up a little bit. Weakly she threw me a smile, which I returned. I wanted to pet on her side of the bed, because I missed her laying beside me, but I didn’t. She had come so far already, I didn’t want to scare her off, to run back downstairs.

And my patience seemed to reward me as a few seconds of staring at each other, turned into Gwen pushing herself away from the wall. A couple small steps were made my way before she crawled on the bed as well. She ended up sitting Indian style, looking right at me. Carefully she reached her hand out towards me and let her hand fall down against my stubbly cheeks. Her thumb caressed faintly and a warm smile grew on her lips, before she turned a little sad again.

“You wore a blue shirt”, she stated then, and I nodded. “And you shaved your stubble to the length I prefer”,

Nervously I nodded a second time while looking down from her.

“I meant it when I said that you looked extremely handsome today”

“You didn’t say extremely”, I teased, to which she smiled adorably.

“Thank you for putting so much effort into today”,

I bobbed my head. “Always”,

Her hand stroke further from my cheek towards my neck. She pushed herself up on her knees and let her body lean over. Her lips brushed against mine for a few seconds before pulling away.

“Did you eat?”, I whispered against her lips. Gwen laughed at my change of subject. Luckily she nodded happily. An exhale left her lips and she then let her body crash down on the bed. She turned towards my side and just stared at me.

“You wanna cuddle?”, She asked suddenly.

I chuckled while frowning softly. “You know I always want to cuddle”

An adorable giggle reached my ears before she instantly moved closer and threw her arms around my body. A happy grunt followed when I started to move my fingertips through her tangled hair.

“What’s wrong with me, Blake?”, she whispered then into the darkness of our room. I snapped my eyes back open and started to move my fingers through her hair again. I swallowed.

“I’m trying so hard, I am”, her voice shook a little again and by then she lifted her head up from my chest, and I suddenly got scared she’d leave my arms again. But she ended up just finding my eyes.

“I just—my heart”, she moved her hand over her chest. “my heart hurts”, She gasped for air while sniffing. “How am I gonna do this? Who am I gonna call when I no longer know how to handle life? How do I live without her?”

Tears started pouring down her eyes as she hid her face in my neck, but I instantly reached for her chin again and made her eyes lock with mine again.

“You have me, you can talk to me, we’re a team, Gwen”, I cupped her cheeks and wiped her tears away. “I know it’s not the same, I know I’m not your mom, ‘cause that would be kind of weird”, I even gained a tiny chuckle with that. “But I love you so much and I’m here, no matter what, I’m here”

“I know we’re a team”, she placed her hand over my heart and gave me a short smile. “And your support means everything, it does, but I need to find a way to deal with this”,

Carefully I placed my hand on hers and nodded. “I can’t lose you too”

“You won’t”,

Gwen nuzzled back into my chest.

“Kingston is at Tom’s”,

“Oh”, she brought out and a really long silence followed. I waited for her further response. It took a while before her fragile voice appeared again. “He hates me”,

I frowned while shaking my head. Gently I stroke my hand up and down her arm. “No he doesn’t. He just misses you”,

She tilted her head up. “But I’m right here”,

While throwing her a pitiful smile, I stroke some hair out of her face.

“Right now you are”, I caressed my thumb over her face. “But most of the time, you aren’t really. Well your flesh and bones are here, but your mind, your heart and your touch—“, I shook my head no.

“Well, what--? What do you mean? You miss me, too?”

With our eyes locked on each other, it broke my heart. But I had to, so I nodded.

“I do, all the time”, 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grieve does do weird things to a person, especially after loosing someone that was extremely close to you. This is story is build around grieve and around how it affects your loved ones as well.  
> Through the story, there clearly are ups and downs and at a certain time, there will be a breaking point. After the breaking point, things either get back to normal or the complete opposite.  
> The breaking point in this story might be next chapter, where things either get really good or really bad, so you'll see which way I'll take it!! But that chapter will only come if you all are still into this story! So let me know whether I should continue this one!
> 
> This chapter was for everyone that kept on asking me for this update! Love you!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So I already wrote this entire story (with ending and everything) months ago, but I had actually decided that I maybe shouldn't update it after all. Why? Because it's a pretty personal story and I didn't want to read any negative comments about it or whatever, which happens quite often on ao3 lol. Sadly enough there are a lot of negative people. But then again on twitter I met three amazing people that kept on asking me for these updates. They convinced me to update anyway, so thanks to them, here you have the update.
> 
> 'enjoy' xo

“You haven’t talked to me in days, for God’s sake!”, I shouted while staring at the back of her head. 

“Well maybe I don’t wanna talk – to you”,

I swallowed. Carefully I lowered my body down and let my booty collide with the couch. My eyes were itching, as I tried to hold back the tears. So I covered my face with my hands while breathing out heavily.

“I’m sad, Gwen”, I whispered, not sure whether she had already left the room or not. “I’m so sad”,

For over ten seconds all I heard was the ticking of the clock. I carefully peaked from behind my hands. She was still here. She hadn’t even taken another step. Only one more and she would’ve been out of the living room, leaving me behind. But to my surprise, she didn’t.

I threw my eyes down again. My hands had fallen in my lap. Nervously I rubbed my right thumb over the palm of my left hand to which my wedding ring caught my attention. With a couple soft strokes I shifted my wedding ring a couple of times.

“Every night I go to sleep without you and every morning I wake up in an empty bed. I barely sleep”, I tilt my eyes up to look at my wife’s figure. “Because trough the night, I keep on waiting for you, which is ridiculous because you never come”, I paused for a few seconds. “and I don’t even dare to touch you any more, not even just resting my hand against your shoulder, hell I barely dare to pass you closely in the kitchen”,

She was still standing at the exact same spot. Seconds passed by very slowly and which each one that passed I felt my heart ache even more. My fingers slowly traced over my forehead while I sighed.

“I bet your life would be way easier if I wouldn’t be a part of it anymore right?”, My head instantly snaps towards her annoyed voice. I frowned.  Man had I hoped for a more caring reaction, but apparently I chose a wrong time to open up about my feelings. But I couldn’t, I had no more energy left and just felt completely exhausted.

“Don’t act ridiculous, please”, I mumbled underneath my breath. She turned around then and I felt overwhelmed by her gaze. It was as if she hadn’t looked at me, like really into my soul, for so long.

“Ridiculous?”, she huffed hurtful while raising her brows up.

“Yes Gwen! Ridiculous!”, In desperation, I raised my voice. I stood up and took a few steps closer towards her. “Who are you right now?”

She stayed silent, so I took one more step, ending up in front of her.

“You’re right, my life would be much easier without the person that is standing in front of me right now. But this is not you! This is not the woman I fell in love with”,

Without even realising, I had placed my hands on her biceps, trying to get through to her.

“I can’t live without you Gwen, without my wife—“, I sighed while shaking my head.  “my lovely, funny wife… but where is she?”,

She seemed conflicted. As if she was considering whether she should wrap her arms around me again or turn mad and run away. But at the sudden look in her eyes, I knew she had decided.

“Maybe she’s gone. I’m Gwen. I’m your wife. And I’m clearly becoming a burden to you”, Anger. I gently trace my hands over her arms, letting them fall down beside my own body again.

“Right now? You are turning yourself into a burden.  You wanna know why? Because you don’t even care about anyone’s feelings but yours. And that is not you.”,

“Well if I’m a burden to you anyway, then why am I still here? Then why am I still even trying?”,

My mouth dropped as I frowned in disbelief. How does she even dare?

“Why are you still here?”, I stumbled out, getting angry as well. “What you gonna leave me now?”,

She looked straight into my eyes now. She raised a single eyebrow up, nonchalantly as if not a single thing in the world is worth caring for.

“If I’m a burden to anyone in this world, then why bother keeping up this fight?”,

The frown hadn’t disappeared. My lips parted by hearing her words. But honestly, I couldn’t believe she just spoke those words.

“Wh—what? You can’t be seriously saying that right now?”, I raised my voice, which surprised her. “You wanna die, Gwen? You wanna die?”, I cried out, completely heartbroken. “Is that what you want? To join her up in heaven?” 

She stared right in front of her right now. Not a single response.

“I can’t believe you”, tears sprang into my eyes.  “You wanna kill yourself? You wanna be selfish and leave the people that love you behind? Your father, King, Zuma, Apollo, your brother, Jen --- me? Well you wanna be that person! Go ahead, kill yourself, tear our world apart”, I spit out angrily as a tear ran down my cheek.

Her eyes locked on mine and she seemed surprised by my strong reaction. I couldn’t place whether that was a good sign or not. But I simply couldn’t do this right now.

“I need some air”, I walked passed her and left the building.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“She drives me nuts!”, I was pacing around uncontrollably until Adam grabbed me by the arm and literally pulled me down on a chair.

“And you drive me nuts with all that pacing”, he mumbled with a sigh.  

“I thought things were going better?”, Behati asked while walking up to hand me a glass of water. After I took a few sips and tried to get a grip on my breathing again, I shook my head.

“One minute I feel her moving closer to me on the couch, searching for some affection and the next minute she’s yelling at me that I’m not trying to fix this”, I told Behati who sat down at the table now as well.

“Are you trying to? Fix it, I mean”, she carefully asked and if I wouldn’t love Bee as much as I do, I would’ve lost it. Because they clearly have no idea how badly I have been trying to make things right.

“Sometimes I feel as if she’s searching for something to make her hate me. To give her a reason to get angry again and she freaking pisses me off”, I got off of my chest as I slowly moved my fingers over my forehead. I was having such a terrible head ache. And that? That’s all her fault. She keeps on complaining, she keeps on putting me at the edge waiting for me to crack.

“Come on, Blake, it can’t be that bad”, Adam tried and I immediately noticed by how even Behati cringed at his words.

“Not that bad? Not that bad, Adam? I jumped in my car and drove over here because I could not be in the same room with her any longer! I literally felt as if I could kill her!”, My raised voice surprised both Adam and Behati as my words made them flinch.

“I’m serious guys, she is driving me insane! I hate her… but I love her at the exact same time and she is making my head explode! And I swear to God that if I stayed there one more minute, I might’ve killed her, or myself in that matter”, I added while I allowed my head to fall down on my arms. My heart was pounding in my chest again and my head hurt so bad it almost made me nauseous.

“There was this one time”, Behati’s voice reached my ears. “—I also felt as if I would murder Adam any second”, No matter my headache I immediately snapped my head up to catch her eyes.

“What?”, Adam let out in a high pinched voice as he literally was shocked.

“Don’t act so surprised! You can be a pain in the ass”, if this situation wouldn’t ‘ve been as important to me as it is, I would’ve actually laughed because of their little interaction. “Anyways, you know what helped me?”,

I immediately shook my head.

“I imagined him actually being dead. To come home to a house without him in it, to have to raise our kids alone, to have felt his lips on mine the last time, to never be able to lay in his arms ever again”, The woman said causing me to grunt at her words.

“It works doesn’t it?”, she asked on which I shrugged.

“You can stay here tonight, if you want to”, but I shook my head.

“I can’t, I always come back home to her”, I whispered more to myself then to friends. Instantly I pushed myself off of the chair and walked away from the table.

“Thank you for the talk”, I said while walking out of their house.

“Hey Blake! Don’t kill her”, Adam shouted me after, partly joking.

 

 

When I came back home I found Apollo watching television. He looked up at me and smiled brightly.

“Hi dad”, he said which made me smile at him. “Hey”, I answered while walking over and brush a kiss on top of his long brown curly hair.

“You’ve done all your homework, right?”, He nodded.

“Mom checked it already”,

“Good”, I threw him a soft smile again before sitting down beside him, taking off my shoes.

“Where have you been?”, Apollo asked just to show interest, while yet his eyes were still focused on the screen from time to time.

“Adam’s”, My answer was short and clear and it immediately caught his attention.

“You went to uncle Adam without me?”, He cried out in total surprise and I guilty nodded. “I haven’t seen him in so long!”, he pouted making me throw my arm around his shoulder.

“I know buddy, I’m sorry, but I’ll bring you along next time, kay?”, that made him hesitantly nod as his pout seemed to disappear. After watching a few minutes along of some cartoon, I started to wonder where Gwen was. I didn’t want to, because I was still a little mad at her. If she can be mad, I can be too. Or at least that’s what I thought, because at one point I found myself turning my head in all kinds of directions to catch a glance of her. I wasn’t missing her, no, I convinced myself. I was just curious about where she was, that’s all. Maybe also slightly worried…

“She’s upstairs”, Apollo said out of the blue, making me realise how obvious I must’ve been.

“Oh”, I mumbled, yet I stayed put and tried to focus on the screen. But soon I felt Apollo’s hand on my leg, that apparently I had been nervously shaking the entire time. He gave me a weird glance.

“You could just go find her, you know?”, he suggested with a smart voice, causing me to nod. Sure, I can. Just to see what she was doing up there. So I pulled myself up from the couch and started to walk up the stairs. The door of our bedroom was open and clearly empty and I could hear some catchy radio song come from behind the bathroom door.

I didn’t even bother to knock as I just opened the door to it. A steaming bath, filled with water was the first thing I saw. Her phone laying on a nearby bathroom counter, playing a song. Because of my head ache my brain seemed to work quite slow as suddenly my heart skipped a beat and my pupils widened. In top speed I ran over to the tub and I threw my arms in the hot water. My heart was going hundredth miles an hour when my hands indeed found her body laying in the water. My hands grabbed her by the arms and pulled her out of the water. But as soon as her head was back up in the air, I saw her open her eyes and a smirk grew on her face.

“What the hell?”, I cried out while letting go of her naked body. A short laugh from her soon followed while looking at me.

“What—“, I stumbled out while standing up again.

“So you don’t want me dead after all?”, she said with a weird grin on her face.

“What the fuck, Gwen?,” I pushed myself up on the edge of the bath to look at her in disbelief.

“Relax, Blake, I was just enjoying the water”, she said calmly, alarmed by the concern on my face.

“Do you think this is funny?” I brought out while turning my back at her while burring my face in my hands. “Because I definitely don’t’”, I gave her a look. She had pushed herself up in the tub now and looked at me. The way she was looking at me, I wasn’t sure what to do or what to say, so instead I just sighed when I could feel my eyes getting teary.

“Was it just that? Were you just enjoying the water?”,  I asked afraid of what her answer might be, but luckily I saw her nod convincingly the same second.

“I swear it was, I’m not planning to—“, she stopped right there as she could feel how this wasn’t funny to him at all. She reached out of the tub and her dripping hand touched mine. “I don’t wanna die”, And I wasn’t sure whether she was actually speaking the truth.

“This is karma taking you back though”, she tried to joke it away.

“Taking me back?”, A tear ran down my cheek suddenly and I didn’t even care. “Do you have any idea what went through my head just now? Do you have any idea what you just did to me?”,

Her brown eyes seemed to get emotional as well when I saw her swallow.

“You said _go ahead_ , Blake, _kill yourself_ … I just – It was a joke”, she rambled quickly, trying to make this right, trying to prevent another tear to roll down my face.

“You did this on purpose?”, I felt my mouth fall open as I couldn’t believe my ears. She did just that to actually give me a heart attack, to hurt me. She was surprised as she had no idea what to answer me. “What is wrong with you?”, I whispered underneath my breath while pulling my hand out of hers.

“I’m leaving”, I said which made her start pulling her body up from the tub. She shook her head desperately. “I’m going to stay at Adam’s tonight… I can’t be around you right now”, I whispered in disgust and I turned my body away from her.

“Blake, wait”,

“Wait? How much longer?”, I cried out as another tear ran down. “You heard me walk up those stairs and you willingly decided to put your head down the water to give me a heart attack? What in hell, Gwen? What were you thinking?”,

“I’m sorry, I—I wasn’t thinking”, Her lip was shaking.  

“I’m leaving and I don’t know when I’ll be back”, I mumbled before stepping out of the bathroom. I could vaguely hear her call out for me, but I didn’t stop. I ran down the stairs and went straight to the living room. Instantly I dialled Todd’s number. As the phone was still beeping, I took the television remote and turned the tv down.

“We’re going to Adam’s tonight, get your coat”, I said to the the thirteen year old who worriedly glanced my way.

“What about mom?”, He asked, clearly having heard the fight.

“I think it will be good for her to have some alone time”, I firmly said, causing Apollo to get up and walk over my way.

“Are you sure –“,

“Yeah, come on”, I took both my and Apollo’s coat and took his hand in mine. I let him out of the house with me, not even minding to grab a bag.

 _“Hi Blake”,_ I pointed at my car, indicating I needed to talk to Todd without Apollo’s ears. A little annoyed, he walked over to the car and soon sat down in the vehicle.

“Todd, I need a break man…”,

 _“What can I do?”,_ He was completely aware of how Gwen hadn’t found a way to handle the situation yet.

“Can you stay at our place for a couple days? I don’t want her to be alone, I’m afraid—“, I hesitated to go on.

_“Blake?”,_

“She said something about joining your mom in Heaven, man… I just – As much as it hurts me, I think she rather doesn’t have me by her side now… so could you, please”,

“ _I’m on my way”,_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe this all doesn't make much sense, why Gwen is acting like this and stuff, but in the next chapters things will get more clearly. 
> 
> Bye!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hiii

I hadn’t spoken to her for weeks. Apollo stayed for a few more days and eventually when school started again, Adam arranged for him to be back with his mom. She was furious that I had taken him with me. She had yelled, which I started to get used to, but to my big surprise she never, not even once had brought up the fact that he’s not my biological son. She had played it fairly. Eventually she had let Apollo decide what he wanted. Obviously the kid went home with his mom, knowing that she could use the company.

Even though I understood, it still hurt to see him walk out of that door. I had never felt more alone. Sure I stayed over at two friends their house, but that wasn’t the same. Secretly when the door closed behind Apollo, I had walked over to the window. From behind the panel curtains I peaked outside, to see her standing there, with her black cardigan and a simple blue jeans. Her hair was down. Her back was resting against the van, waiting for her youngest man. I could easily tell when she noticed his arrival, because a small smile grew on her lips. When the paparazzi would show up now, I’m sure that her fans would save the pictures of how she looked today. Classic, but gorgeous. But to me, I could tell she was in a dark place, no matter how hard she was trying to hide it.

They shared a tight hug, before Apollo made his way over to the passenger seat. I had seen her head being thrown into the direction of the house again. Her eyes wandered over the place, until she eventually threw her eyes towards the window I was standing at. As a reflex, I took a step back, disappearing into the darkness of the house behind the panel curtains.

For a couple more seconds she had stared into my direction, she even squinted her eyes to get a better look, but eventually, she turned her head and pulled down into the vehicle. She hadn’t seen me.

That was two weeks ago. I hadn’t seen her since.

All three of the boys had come over from time to time. It was as if they arranged an exchanging program to come visit me. Almost each day one of them ended up at Adam’s front door, just to talk to me and to check up on me. You have to be a fool to not see how worried they were, about their mom, about me and about our family in general. Their hangouts with me made me realise how badly they were trying to make me feel better, to make me feel as if I mattered. But truth to be told? Nothing truly seemed to matter without Gwen by my side. But she hadn’t even tried to contact me. Not even once.

Days flew by. And with every day, I could tell they were getting more worried about me. None of them ever brought up her name in the conversations and we all just talked around the subject. I wasn’t ready to go back to that house, no matter how badly I missed spending time with those boys, my boys. No matter if only a few hours in a week was far from enough, I simply couldn’t face her any longer. _She broke me_. And I just needed time to recover. I needed time to breathe again. Once upon a time I promised to never leave her, and I was determined to keep that promise, even still today when only thinking about her made my heart break into ten million pieces, I know I’ll go back to her.

Adam and Behati had taken care of me. Their kids always tried to cheer me up, but it wasn’t working. I could barely just conquer a smile on my face to please the kids. I felt exhausted and lost, every day seemed to get worse.

One day Adam had forced me to freshen up and put on some nice clothes, telling me that our ex-producers wanted to speak with us in the Universal studios where we used to shoot the voice. I wasn’t feeling like it, but Adam had kept on pushing me and talked me into going. And considering the man is my best friend and has done more than people can ever imagine, I did what he asked me to.

For the first time in two weeks, I put on some nicer clothes, I trimmed my beard and tried to tame my hairs. When I walked back into the kitchen after, I noticed a relieved look on Adam’s face. He probably thought I hadn’t noticed that, but I did. He felt sorry for me and he’s scared that this time I won’t be able to get back on track. He didn’t tell me that, but I could tell by everything he does or says to me.

And that relieved look? That will be one that will sting with me. It was a reminder of how awful I had been doing the last two weeks.

I threw Adam a short smile while nodding towards the front door. “We going?”

And so we ended up driving for a while before we arrived. I was gazing out of the window while Adam was parking the car. It was a weird thing, being back here.

Once the car stopped and my cowboy boots were met by the cement floor of that well known parking lot, I felt an odd feeling in my stomach.

I hadn’t been here since we had a wrap party a couple of years ago. Gwen and I had left together, as she had been tipsy and was clinging on my arm. Whatever I said, she was laughing none stop while telling me how much she loved me. We had been together for a few years already, yet I had never been more in love.

I traced my eyes over the parking lot as the memory was playing on my brain. My eyes ended up on a certain spot where Gwen always parked her car. I could see the whole scene playing in front  of me. I had tickled her a little bit to get her car keys out of her hands. She giggled adorably while throwing her tiny arms around my neck. Her eyes were fuzzy by the alcohol as the grin would never leave her face. She had bit on her lip adorably, knowing I couldn’t handle that. And right after her soft lips were on mine. Somewhere in the kiss, I had let go of the keys so I could use both my hands to pin her against the car. I have no idea how long we must’ve kept on making out on that exact spot…

But right now the spot was empty. There was no black van to be seen, no couple hells over heels in love, nothing.

Normally I’d smile at a memory like that, with my beautiful wife, but I’m not sure where she went to. I hadn’t spoken with that woman for months. I did speak with Gwen, but she didn’t feel like my Gwen any longer.

“You ok, man?”, Adam’s hand squeezed my shoulder, which woke me out of my daydreaming. I finally got my gaze away from her parking spot and nodded.

“Yeah”,

 

Hesitantly I followed Adam to walk in the building. He opened the door for me and not knowing any better I walked in. It looked different. Some stuff from other sets were in there, but yet there was still one of the four trailers on the exact same spot. I wondered what they were filming in here now. I was just about to glance over at Adam and tell him that’s it’s weird to be back here when I saw him staying put in the door opening.

“Adam?”, I stumbled out confused while staying put. He had a weird expression on his face and I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean. So I frowned at him while taking a step closer to my friend.

“What’s going on? Aren’t we going to talk to Mark?”, I asked confused and Adam shook his head.

“I’m sorry but I’m sure you’ll thank me later for this”, he mumbled right before he closed the door behind him. I frowned while chuckling uncomfortably, having no clue what was going on. So instead I walked up towards the door and pulled it. It didn’t open.

“What the hell?”, I brought out confused while pushing against the door once more. Why in freaking hell is this locked? So I bonked on the door and called out for Adam.

“Dude, this isn’t funny really”, I called out while I kept on pushing my fist against the steel door.

“What is this?”, I suddenly heard a soft voice coming from behind me. In one quick movement I turned around and was suddenly face to face with no one another than, yes, my wife.

“Gwen”, I frowned confounded, while she was throwing me a weird glance. “I can’t get this door open any longer, Adam is right outside, but I don’t know what’s taking him so long to open it”, Hesitantly I filled her in, but yet I couldn’t take my eyes away off of hers. She was wearing a skinny jeans with a baggy, soft blue sweater on top. Her hair was down and she was wearing a basic layer make up.

But she looked tired. By every step closer she took towards me, it was as if she was using all the energy that was left in her to do so. I hadn’t expected that. For quiet some months, she had been drowning in her sorrows, but for months she also tried to hide it. I guess she was passed that phase now.

 “You can’t open these doors from on the inside unless you have the key”, she mumbled while walking up to the door and reaching her hand out towards me.

“Give me your phone”, she ordered with a sudden, more stern voice.

“Why don’t you take your own”, I answer stubbornly, even surprising myself. Because all my brain was doing right now was worrying.

“Because Behati has mine, she had to make a phone call and forgot hers”, she started off with a pretty confident way of talking but soon she seemed to started puzzling things together. I frowned as well while taking my phone out of my pocket and instead of laying it in her reached out hand, I started to use it myself. She sighed.

“No service”, I mumbled frustrated, which made Gwen throw her hands up. “What do you mean, no service?”,

I showed her my screen. “Adam must’ve taken my SIM cart out of my phone earlier today”,

“And you didn’t notice? What are you? Three?”

“You didn’t even notice you were locked in here until I got inside!”, I snapped right back.

“Whatever”, she had rolled her eyes with a sigh. It wasn’t an angry sigh though. It was more in a sarcastic way of saying ‘great’. Before I could even say anything else, she walked away.

“Where are you going?”

“Checking the other exits”, she cried out without even looking back at me. I can’t believe this is happening right now. _Screw you, Adam._

 

 

 

Checking the other exits seemed a waste of time. So instead of following her, I had decided to just crouch down against the wall and let my booty hit the floor.

From time to time I kept on checking my watch and I saw the minutes pass by. Ten minutes, twenty, twenty-two, twenty-four, twenty-five…

I started to get nervous, because where in hell did she go? Did she find an exist after all? Maybe I should have followed her. So in a matter of seconds I had pushed myself off the ground and walked into the direction she had gone off to. I quickly realised that all the power was off, so lights weren’t really gonna be an option in this dark building. Great.

I went from exist to exist, hoping to find an open door, but nothing. Eventually I realised I wasn’t truly looking for an open door any longer… Instead I kept on looking around me hoping to find a glimpse of her. And the longer I didn’t find her the more nervous I got.

After living with Gwen for the last ten years, I know she’s not font of the dark. And simply knowing that this place isn’t lightened much right now, except for the light coming out of the windows, I started feeling worried. I didn’t want to, hell knows she’s only worrying about herself right now, I probably do not cross her mind for a second at this moment.

“Gwen?”, I couldn’t help but start calling out for her. But no answer. This building was huge, so who knows where she is right now. _I should’ve followed her_.

Wait what? No I shouldn’ve! She damn should have stayed by my side. I shook my head as a million of thoughts spooked through my brain. Nervously I started to bite at the inside of my cheeks as I kept on searching for her. I had called out her name multiple times, but never got an answer.

And then at one point when I turned a corner, I ran straight into her. That pretty much ended up with Gwen screaming out and hitting me.

“Gwen Jesus”

“Oh my God, Blake?”, she stumbled out completely out of breath.

“Yeah, who else?”, I duh-ed and I could only see the shape of her figure in the darkness. She reached her hand up to scratch through her hair.

“No exit?”,

“Oh yeah, there is one, I just willingly decide to stay here”, Oh irony, nice. I rolled my eyes, yet it somehow relieved me to see she still had some pit in her.

“Fine, if you wanna act like that, then sure do”, I was playing on tactic now. I started to walk away. My feet kept on moving, as I decided to find my way back towards the place where our trailers used to be. No matter how badly Gwen didn’t wanna be with me right now, no matter how stubborn she can be, I know that nevertheless, she’d be following me right now. Being alone in the dark wasn’t her cup of tea after all.

And I was right, because if I listened very carefully I could hear her feet walking behind me, not too close though, pretending not to be following me. Not wanting to actually call her out on it, I kept a slow pace, so she wouldn’t lose track of me.

But at one point, I did no longer hear her behind me, which made me halt. I opened my ears and listened. No footsteps.  Was I wrong? Did she rather stay alone and scared in the dark then to be with me? I got scared for a second that that was the truth, but luckily I wasn’t able to let those thoughts wander in my brain for too long.

“Blake?”, I heard her voice coming from not too far behind me. I used my phone as a flashlight and started to shine through the rooms. I walked back from where I came from and just when I was about to walk into a certain room, I heard her call my name a second time.

I shined into the room, to see her standing in the middle of it, not quite knowing how to go. Oh that’s right, another thing about Gwen Stefani, she has a terrible sense of directions. Without a GPS she’d probably drive to the West when she has to be somewhere at the East.

The light fell on her body and I saw her closing her eyes by the sudden bright light of the flashlight. That made me turn my phone down, illuminating my cowboy boots.

I noticed her body getting closer to me and the second she was only a few steps away from me, I could make out her stunning face.

Boldly I reached my hand out towards her then. I saw her eyes wandering off towards my hand and then back up at me. Sure I was scared for rejection, but it was worth the risk. And to my surprise, I ended up feeling her cold hand falling in mine. I didn’t make a big deal out of it, I didn’t even commented on it as I started walking further instead. She kept a little behind me, yet while holding a tight grip on my hand. I leaded us through a couple of rooms until we finally reached the open trailer place. There was a little more light thanks to more windows there, but not enough to see each other properly.

Yet to make sure she didn’t feel uncomfortable, I loosened my grip on her hand. I guess she did at almost the exact same time considering our hands slid out of each others. It wasn’t until that moment that I had realised how much I had missed to feel her tiny hands in mine. I could feel the air reach the palm of my hand again and somehow it made me feel sad.

Even though nothing truly changed since we walked in here, even though we hadn’t seen each other in weeks and both of us were still mad at each other, I couldn’t help but start getting out of my coat.

I brought my coat over to cover her shoulder and just when I saw her lips separating, to which I assumed was to contradict, I cut her off.

“Just don’t”, I turned away from her then and went up to the only trailer that was still there.

“I was about to say thank you”, I heard her mumble, more to herself, but yet loud enough for me to hear. I tried the trailer door and to my surprise, it actually did open. It was dark inside though, darker then out of it. Yet I took a step inside while taking my phone, wanting to turn my flashlight back on. But no such luck. My battery ran out.

So instead I walked back out to find Gwen sitting down on the ground with her back against the wall a little further away. She was snuggled up into my coat and I saw her eyes following my movements. Eventually I decided to let my body slide down the trailer, not too close to her.

We stayed quiet for what felt like hours. The back of her head was resting against the wall as well and her eyes were closed. She no longer seemed cold, which was good. I did have kinda cold though, but I didn’t really mind. All I could think about was the distance between my wife and I. Figuratively and literally. I remember Adam’s words about me needing to fight for her, about me calling her the love of my life.

Is she still? I wondered while I glanced over at her. Is that woman right there, wrapped in my coat still the woman I’d call the love of my life? Is she still the one that I’d want to be with no matter what? Is she still the one that makes my heart skip a beat? I swallowed when I couldn’t get my eyes away from her. She looks stunning, yes, you’d be an idiot to not see that. And feeling her hand in mine earlier made me realise that I had missed her more than I let myself believe. And seeing her there with her eyes closed, brings me back to the first time I woke up with her in my arms. So is she still the love of my life?

_Of course._

When I was able to admit that to myself, I could finally move my eyes away. I looked up, into the darkness and I could feel a tear run over my cheek. Because what happened with the people that met and fell in love in this place? Did she even still love me?

I swallowed while throwing Gwen one last glance. She hadn't moved a limp and her eyes had stayed closed. Silently I rested the back of my head against the trailer. I didn’t wanna feel this, that’s what I have been avoiding for weeks, to feel this hurt. Sure they say running away isn’t the solution, but it sure as hell is the easiest way. I closed my eyes, causing the tears that were at the edge of falling to slide over my cheeks. And for the first time in weeks, I willingly let them stream. There was nothing left to do. Gwen owns such a big piece of my heart. And I just now started to realise that without that piece, I wouldn't be able to function. I wouldn't be able to breathe properly.

Another pair of tears left my eyes, but to my surprise they didn't get the chance to roll all the way down to my chin.

A soft hand suddenly cupped my cheek, causing my eyes to snap open. Gwen had approached me.

"Please stop", She whispers with a shaking voice. Her thumb caresses over my skin, whipping my tears away. "Don't cry because of me"

A lump created in my throat and my heart started racing in my chest. Her second hand soon followed, wiping my left cheek clean as well. The sudden care and worry in her eyes overwhelmed me, it was as if I had no longer control over my being.

I parted my lips wanting to say something, anything, but I couldn't. Instead I just took a deep breath in, that came out very shaky. I swallowed, trying to get rid of that stupid lump. Because I knew that if I'd speak up right then, my voice was gonna crack.

Suddenly her hands left my cheeks, as instead her tiny arms were thrown around my neck, pulling me to her. The sleep of my head landed on her collarbone - - that smell…

Her perfume hit me and it caught me off guard. But all at once a wave of emotions came washing over me. The millions of memories we shared, the first time I hugged her a little too long, the first time I placed my hand in hers, our first kiss, the first movie we watched, our wedding vows... And I couldn't hold it in.

I broke. Tears came streaming down my face. Vaguely I heard Gwen making hushing noises while her hand moved over my back. Her fingers ended up in the nape of my hair, knowing exactly what calms me down. Her gentle touches made me get the control back over my breathing, but not over my heart though. It kept on pounding inside my chest.

What caught my attention the most was the feeling over her lips planting a kiss on top of my head. Hesitantly I tilted my head off of her chest. It took a few seconds before I allowed my eyes to meet hers. They were red and puffy, matching mine, as a couple mascara lines were covering her skin.

Her nails stopped making soothing circles on my scalp the second our eyes locked. Instead she moved both hands back to wipe my tears off my face.

Only then I realised how she was sitting straddled over me. Her hands framing my face. She was sitting so nearby I could feel her breathing on my skin. Secretly she gasped for air, ending it with letting a shaky breath escape. Her thumbs softly traced from left to right.

That while all I could do was stare at her. My hands were laying in my own lap, not sure where or how to touch her. So instead I kept frozen.

My eyes didn't leave hers though. Hers did. They carefully traced down, a little bit lower to my lips before they came back up. And hesitantly she started to lean closer toward me. It was a bit uneasy, as she wasn’t sure whether she was making the right decision. But even with all her doubts, our noses ended up touching one another.

While I closed my eyes, I couldn’t help but swallow. My heart was still going hundredth in one second and the feeling of her nose against mine brought along a longing I had tried to block away.

One of her hands carefully slit a little further down my cheek up towards my neck. At the end, it rested softly against the back of my head. Her breathing came closer, I could tell. Another thing I could tell was how nervous she was. But I realised now more than ever, that I wasn’t going to be the one to make the last move, that I wasn’t going to ‘force’ a kiss on her. This time, she had to do this all by herself.

And she did. Before I even realised, I felt her lips brushing softly against mine. And as they lingered a few seconds longer, all I could wonder was how she does it? How is she able to make feel like home just like that? It's a mystery to me. My entire body felt instantly warm and it tingled. Then we're not even taking about the feeling of my heart and how all the pain from seconds earlier seemed so much lighter. Just like that.

She quietly pulled back, too soon for my liking. There were so many thoughts running through my mind, so many feelings to be felt. It took me a couple more seconds to open my eyes. Hers were already staring. She was scared, nervous and fragile all in once. I knew her well enough to know that within one second. Yet I didn't instantly reacted to it. Instead I just observed her for a few more and let my and her feelings sink in. She was scared for our relationship, she was putting herself into a fragile position for us. For me. And it was the most beautiful thing.

Gently I tilted a hand off of my lap and reached it towards her. When it rested against her soft cheeks, she let out a relieved sigh. Her eyes closed and she allowed to lean into my touch. Her hand wrapped themselves around my stretched out arm. And I couldn't help but let out a really tiny smile because of that.

I gave her some time to think about whatever goes on in that pretty head of hers, until her eyes opened again.  They instantly locked with mine. I knew more than ever that this was only the beginning of many more conflicts and many more tears. We were still pretty far away from the happy place we used to be in. But the difference with now and a few hours ago is that I finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel again. I gained hope and belief that we’ll get there again eventually. It was gonna be hard work, but it was gonna be worth it.

Yet as a million thoughts flashed through my brain, it never came to my mind to bring it them up right now. So didn’t she. Instead what I did was caressing my thumb over that soft cheek of hers, before I drew her in, closer to me. My lips fell on top of hers, this time with the longing I hadn’t dared to let myself feel for so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> xoxo


	5. Chapter 5

My lips softly brushed against hers, only for a short peck. She stroke her thumb over my cheek again before I felt her kiss me again, a tiny bit harder.

For a couple of inches she pulled away from me. And for the first time in quite a while I saw that sparkle in her eyes again, combined with a genuine, shy smile. I guess I was the one to start grinning, while I moved my hand higher up on her back. She willingly made her body lean closer and more roughly this time, her lips took mine. Right away I returned the passionate kisses, which soon started to get heated. I slipped my tongue in her mouth and when her tongue found mine, I swear I felt a million butterflies in my stomach again.

I tilted her top over her head, at the exact same time she started to unbutton my shirt. I could feel her hands push my shirt down from my shoulder while her lips never left mine.

For a split second, her lips left mine. Her fingertips caressed up my neck, towards my cheeks where they halted.

My gaze was right on hers and it was as if the time was frozen. Because of the sudden hesitation, I was afraid that she might change her mind and block me out again.

Her hand stayed put on my cheek and her eyes were looking straight into my soul.

“You ok?”, I whispered, causing a tiny smile to form on her lips. She bobbed her head up and down.

“Yes”, She breathed against my lips, as she smiled brightly. I brushed my nose with hers, as a shy smile crept on my lips. My hands covered her back, which was familiar cold, which made my smile turn into a smirk.

She chuckled as well while pulling back for just a second. “What?”

“You’re cold”, A smirk grew on her face as well, not for long though as she carefully planted her lips on mine again. And in the meantime she started unbuckling my belt…

 

 

 

 

 

Her fingers were softly tracing up and down my bare chest, while her chin was resting on my beating heart. We hadn’t said a single word for maybe half an hour already. Instead we just laid in each other’s arms. One arm had her wrapped up towards me. From time to time I gently caressed my fingers over her arm, to which the corner of her lips curled up.

But other than the curling of her lips, I could see a tiny frown come to her features as well. But I learned my lesson. It’s not up to me to ask about her feelings, it’s not up to me too push her into telling me what’s on her mind. If she wants to talk, she’ll start the conversation herself. It’s her that has to open up to me in the end anyway.

And the waiting paid off, as after thirty minutes of complete silence, she cleared her throat. Her head softly tilted to make her eyes meet mine.

“So you left”, she spoke softly.

I nodded and waited a few seconds. “I know I promised not to but—“,

“I made you”, she cut me off. It’s then that she slightly moved out from under my arm. She turned her body more towards me, while carefully resting her elbow on the ground to look at me. “I made you leave me”,

I swallowed, while shaking my head. “You just needed some space and so did I”,

A bit hesitantly she decided to nod. I could tell she was conflicted about her words. To cover that up, she slightly tilted her head to the right, to wave her hair one way. At the end, she ended up scratching her cheek. “Where you—where you ever coming back?”

“Of course”, Never in my life had I answered a question as fast as I did then.

She shyly smiled at that while moving her free hand to cup my cheek for a tiny second.

“Why?”

I frowned. “Why would I come back to you?”

Her eyes unlocked with mine. She gazed down at her hand on my cheek as a sad expression fell over her.

“Hey”, I moved my hand away from her back and tilted her chin up to meet my eyes.

“Because if you don’t want to, that’s ok, you don’t have to come back to me just because you promised not to leave, I understand”,

Her eyes got teary and her voice cracked.

“Gwen”, I whispered while making my forehead meet with hers. I softly stroked my thumb over her cheek to calm her down.

I tilted my head away from her and waited for her eyes to open.

“You wanna know why I’d always come back to you?”,

Carefully she nodded, while sniffling still.

“Because I love you so”, I swallowed. “So much that it hurts”,

A tear ran down her cheek, and I leaned closer to kiss it away. Both her arms hooked around my neck, hugging me tightly.

My head came to rest on her shoulder, as I wrapped her tiny body tightly in my arms.

“You’re too good to be true”,

I softly placed a peck on her skin while nuzzling my nose in her neck.

“Well I’m rare after all”,

She chuckled at that, which made a smile grew on my face.

“That’s a sure thing”,

Her eyes met mine and I let out a deep breath, which made her frown, asking for an explanation.

I simply shrugged. “I’m just happy to be here with you”,

She nodded before a teethed smile was thrown my way. “Me too”, Out of the blue she leaned in and planted a kiss on top of my nose, making me chuckle while shaking my head. God I missed this. I missed her.

“I loved you too by the way”,

“You better”,

She giggled while nestling back on my chest. With arm loosely thrown over my stomach, I placed one last kiss on top of her head, before closing my eyes for a few minutes.

“When do you think Adam’s gonna set us free again?”,

The sound of her laughter reached my ears. “I have no idea”, she answered between her giggles.

We stayed quiet for a couple seconds after that. “And um-“, she started. “When he does, then what?”

I tilt my head a little to catch a glance of her face. Out of the corner of her eyes, she must’ve seen me move, because she turns to look at me as well.

“Where do we go from here?”,

I didn’t answer. I didn’t even say a single word. Instead I just stared at her while giving her a tiny, unknowing shrug.

“Where do you want to go from here?”,

“I miss you”, she admitted. “All the time”

“I miss you too”

“But I understand if you need some more time”,

I smiled for seconds long, before I shook my head. “I’ve already had too much time apart from you. But what about you?”

A sigh left her lips. “Please come home already”,

I tightened my embrace around her while nodding. “Finally”,

 

 

 

 

While she was standing on one of her legs, she put her other one in her jeans. She started jumping to keep her balance, which made me chuckle.

She shot me a glance, to find me laughing.

“You’re clumsy”,

She sticked her tongue out while changing legs to put the other one into her jeans as well.

“Any idea how late it is?”,

I shook my head. My phone had died all these hours ago and neither of us ever wore a watch.

“It’s probably morning though”, I nodded towards the sunlight starting to beam from under the door

She glanced at the door while nodding.

“So I’ve been thinking”,

I hummed.

“Since you’re coming back home, I really want to keep you there”,

A soft chuckle leaves my lips, while I start to pull myself up from the ground. “I really want you to keep me there as well, yes”,

She lets out a giggle while shaking her head. “I’m serious, Blake!”,

I throw my arms up in surrender, while walking up towards her. “I’m sorry, go on”,

Carefully I travelled my arms around her waist, while placing a kiss on her shoulder.

“I’m gonna try to be your wife again, but there’s gonna be times that I’ll fail to do so”,

I frown, yet I waited for her to go on.

“So if I ever say or do something that truly is too much for you, then you have to tell me”,

She turned in my arms, gazing in my eyes.

I nodded with hesitation. “I’ll do that, but—will you listen?”

A frown appeared.

“I already tried that, sweetie. The day I went to Adam’s, I told you how much it hurt me… but I didn’t get through to you. And that’s not your fault, but I just—“,

I sighed, not knowing how to say this without getting into a fight again. But to my surprise, she nodded.

“Maybe we should decide on a word”, She said to which I frowned confused.

“A word?”

She nodded. “Yeah, as in if you say the word, then I’ll know I went too far. Maybe if I’ll hear the word that I’ll think back on this moment, here with you and about how perfect you are all of the time”,

“Ok”, I answered with a shy chuckle. “Which word?”

“You chose”,

“Chicken Wings”,

I saw her frown amused, and then burst out in laughter. “You serious?”,

With a grin, I shrugged.

“Okay, chicken wings it is”, she said in between her giggles.

“No no”, I interrupted then, going back to serious. “How about – sunflower?”

Her laughing eyes turned into sparkling ones. Her grin into a sweet smile. Her hand touched mine and I felt her fingers intertwine with mine.

She nodded then, while moving closer and closer until her lips brushed against mine.

“Sealed with a kiss”,

Just when I was leaning in again to linger on her lips for a longer while, we heard footsteps. We separated a few inches and looked into each other’s eyes. It wasn’t until the light coming from under the door started to fade, that we raised our brows.

“Adam”, we said in unison, to which she giggled adorably. But then suddenly,  Gwen took a couple of steps out of my arms.

I frowned confused, to which she smiled beautifully.

“Let’s serve Adam his lesson”, she winked, while walking even further away from me.

When the door finally opened, I immediately squinted my eyes closed, while reaching my arm out to protect my eyes from the sharp light.

It took forever until I was able to open them again, but I already recognized Adam when he cleared his throat.

“What the hell, dude?”, I raised my voice, while pulling my arm back down.

“I’m sorry but-“,

“No! Don’t even talk!”, I crossed my arms in front of me while looking my friend in the eye. “What makes you think you have the right to lock me up in here…”, I paused. “With her”, I snapped, faking disgust.

Adam glanced over at Gwen on the other side of the room, who was looking freaking pissed. Hesitantly he moved his eyes back to mine while scrunching his nose up.

For seconds straight, he just stood there like a fool, staring at me with guilty eyes.

“You can talk now”, Gwen joined in and I heard her footsteps get closer.

“Look guys, I’m not gonna say I’m sorry because I’m not”,

“You’re not?”, I huffed, to which he shrugged.

“You realize what you did right?”, My voice still in disbelief. “You locked me up!”, I cried out. “With her, out of all people”

Adam was getting very uncomfortable by now. His eyes started to fill with regret as he opened his mouth a couple of times to say something, but he soon closed it every time. He ended up scratching his head, before uneasily clearing his throat. And just when I could see the desperation in his eyes, Gwen  cleared her throat as well.

“I can’t believe you had the nerve to lock me in the building with this guy”, She spoke, to which I turn my head to face her. Her head turned the exact same time and our eyes locked.  And I could no longer pretend.

A tiny smile came to my lips when I saw her eyes soften. She closed the last step in between us and reached her arm out towards me. Her hand fell on top of my bicep and traced all the way down my arm, to end up with locking her fingers with mine.

I was full on grinning by now, even forgetting about Adam’s presence for a minute.

“Wait”, he stumbled out confused which made Gwen and I look back up at the rocker. He had a puzzled expression on his face as his eyes were locked on our entwined hands. His lips were slightly parted when his eyes fell on mine again.

“It was the best thing you could’ve done”, Gwen whispered then, as if she was shy to admit so. Softly I squeezed her hand and she squeezed right back.

“You guys made up?”, Poor Adam still wasn’t fully getting it, which made me let out a chuckle. Gwen hummed then while spinning both of her arms around my bicep.

I gazed down at her, so close to me now. And before I realised she pulled herself up on her tip toes to brush her lips on mine.

“Aw you two are back to being gross!”, Behati’s voice suddenly broke through, as her head peaked from behind the door.

Gwen pulled away from my lips then to follow the female voice.

“Behati, you’re so mean!”, Her arms unlocked from around me to walk up to her friend, but out of reflex, I reached for her. My hand fell on her arm and pulled her back to me. In a smooth move she turned back around and her lips instantly fell against mine. I felt her grin on my lips while pulling her arms around my neck.

“Now you can go”, My nose nuzzled against hers, and only a few seconds later, she pulled away. She turned back to her friend, who was full on grinning proudly by now. Gwen pulled out her index finger while walking up to Behati.

“You!”, The model started to laugh innocently.

My eyes followed Gwen for a while longer, until out of necessity I meet Adam’s gaze again.

“Oh bro, don’t worry about it! You don’t have to thank me”, he started while shrugging teasingly.

I rolled my eyes while shaking my head. “Of course I don’t have to thank you. You locked me up for God’s sakes. She could’ve just as easily have killed me”,

Adam threw his head back to laugh.

“Hey, I heard that!”, Gwen shouted, to which I shot her a wink.

Soon I found Adam’s brown eyes again. For the first time since he walked in here, he seemed to go for the genuine look. He didn’t go for the teasing or the proud-of-myself expression. Instead he just smiled contently while seeming relieved.

And I didn’t really care any longer about how he basically forced me into ‘talking’ with my wife again, well if we’re honest we didn’t really talk that much, if you know what I mean. But I realised now that Adam knew all along what we needed. At the end he does know the two of us pretty well.

So all I could do was smile back and take step closer to him. I stretched my arms out to my buddy, which made him grin. Not much later he walked into my arms and we shared a brotherly hug.

“Thank you for being here”, I said quietly to which he petted my back.

“Gladly”,

When our hug ended, Adam cleared his throat and I could tell the playful side was on again. “After all someone has to make sure you don’t lead yourself into a disaster”,

I shake my head while grinning. “You’re such an idiot”,

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never had I thought when I arrived here yesterday with Adam’s car, that I’d be driving home in Gwen’s one. The funny part was that when she had started the engine a country station started playing. On a regular day she doesn’t do that. She always listens to the LA radio with all the catchy songs. At first when she was driving out of the parking lot, she hadn’t noticed the radio station. It was only when we had been driving for a little less than a minute, that I noticed her eyes going down to the radio display. It was adorable how right after that, she looked at me a bit shyly.

She had a brush on her cheeks, which made me smirk. I didn’t say anything about it though. I didn’t want to push her into anything, remember? So I stayed silent while she modestly faced the road again.

I had been staring out of the window, when she spoke up.

“Don’t you judge me”, she said teasingly, which made me chuckle.

“I didn’t even say or ask anything”,

“Yeah I know, you weren’t asking very loudly”, she turned her head with a shy smile, which made me shake my head with a chuckle. “I can basically hear you thinking”,

“I’d never judge you, pretty girl”, She smiled while turning back to the road. “It’s just simply not easy to miss the sexiest man alive of 2017”,

I saw her roll her eyes amused. “I can’t believe you still bring that up after all these years”,

I chuckled. “All thanks to you, baby”,

To my amusement, she shook her head. “I just convinced you to take the title. Being sexy you did all by yourself”,

After that conversation, the car went silent but for the country music playing on a soft note. Gwen was mostly concentrated on the road while humming along a few lines.

“So I had been thinking”, I carefully brought on, to which she hummed. “Since we always fought when we lived together, maybe we should create a little more space for now”,

I was gazing at her to catch her reaction. She stayed focussed on the road, but by the frown on her forehead, I could tell she was thinking.

“What exactly do you mean by that? You don’t wanna move back in?”,

“No no no, I do”, I cut off her thought, to which I notice a relieved expression. “But maybe we should keep some space between us”,

She stayed silent for what felt like forever. And I mean that. For almost an entire minute, she didn’t give a response. It’s only when I suddenly feel the car pull over and stop at the emergency lane, that she turned her attention back to me.

“About what—how—“, She let out a breathe while moving her hand over her face.

I travel my hand to her leg and softly moved my thumb over her jeans. “Hey, don’t freak. I meant this as a good thing, not something bad”,

My whispering voice made her drop her hand down and our eyes locked.

“Ok”, her voice trembled softly. “Then what do you suggest?”

“Look, babe, I wanna live with you, you know that. I want our family back. But I’m just scared, Gwen”, I paused while reaching for her hand. “I’m just scared that if we just pick up where we left off that it’s gonna be exactly that. That we’re gonna be fighting again and I’m sick of fighting”,

She nods while she tried to hide the fact that tears were filling her eyes.

“And maybe you also just will need some time for your own sometimes. Because I don’t want to force myself on you”,  I needed her to need me again, to want to talk to me by herself. Not me constantly asking what she wants or how she feels.

My hand slowly caressed over her arm.

 “Maybe you’re right”, And I knew how she felt. It’s disappointing to realise that moving back in together, trying to start over, wasn’t gonna work out. It seemed easy, but it wasn’t gonna work in the long haul. “So what does _more space_ mean?”,

“Whatever makes you comfortable. I wanna live in the same house, I wanna cook dinner but maybe we should –“,

She looked down for a few seconds, so I waited until her eyes  were back on me. “Maybe I should sleep in the guest room for a while?”

And an immense silence follows after that. She was considering it, I knew she was. But I was afraid that maybe she’d take things the wrong way, like that I didn’t wanna sleep with her again or whatever, which was quite the opposite. I just knew that she’ll still need some time for herself and forcing her to be with me 24/7 wasn’t a good way to do this.

She may not realise that though, but I was quite certain.

“Or not, if you don’t want the space, than we don’t do that. Then we just forget about this—“

 But she shook her head while looking back at me.

“No that’s ok. We’ll try it your way”,

“You sure?”,

She nodded while intertwining her fingers with mine. “Yeah”,

Even though she spoke those words and that I loved how she respected my idea, I could see her hesitation and concern about it.

“Hey”, I kissed the back of her hand. “It's not because I don't want to sleep with you. It's because I do. And even though how amazing last night was, I know that you aren't ready yet. Your mind needs a little more time", 

"You willing to wait for that?", 

I chuckle softly. "It took me 38 years to meet you, and the last 10 years I've fallen in love with you more every day. I'm sure as hell not ever letting you go", 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY 2018 EVERYONE
> 
> xxxxx Noor

It was weird to be back home after all these weeks. It was like you finally arrived back home after the longest trip back from vacation. So very quiet and cosy. The only thing different was that it sure was one bad vacation I went on. After a quick stop at Adam’s place to grab my stuff, we were standing back in our hallway.

I turned the lights on and it illuminated the brown parquet floor combined with the modern white walls. Our entire house was a mixture of classic with modern, even in a weird way sometimes, but it was my favorite place on earth. You could clearly see the both of us reflected in this house. Her modern, city girl interior with my country touch. Nothing ever felt better.

With Gwen right behind me, I took the first step inside. Her hand had been on my back until then, as she popped up from behind me to walk further into the house. A content sight escaped her lips as she got out of her high heels.  As she kicked her shoes in the corner with some of the boys’ their shoes, she wobbled her arms out of her coat.

Me on the other hand had stayed put a few steps behind her. I was tracing from my beautiful wife to the picture frames and wall art, just to remind myself where I was. It’s weird how yesterday I had no idea how to fix this and now we’re here again.

At some point after Gwen had left her jacket on the coat rack, she noticed my wondering mind. Her rituals when coming home slowed down. Slowly she had made her way over. I only noticed her eyes had been clued on mine, when I felt her hand fell against my bicep.

I met her gaze and a small smile appeared on my lips.

“Hi”, she whispered cutely while giving me a soft squeeze. I instantly reached my arm out for her to walk under it.

“I love this place”,

“I do too”, She locked her arms around my middle.

My eyes met hers, as her temple was laying against my shoulder. She smiled sweetly, and I couldn’t help but bow down and brush my lips against hers.

As I cupped Gwen’s cheek, all of a sudden someone cleared his throat.

With a petite frown, I withdrew from Gwen’s lips. In synchronic, our heads turned to top of the stairs, where I found the twenty year old. With his full weight, Kingston was leaning against the wall. He had his brows thrown up with an amused sparkle in his eyes. For seconds straight, all three of us kept silent.

“Hi”, I spoke then while shooting him a smile.

“hello there”, With a smirk on his lips, he started to descend the stairs. “Glad you’re home”,

I nodded gratefully.

“I assume you’re staying?”, He asked with an entertained voice.

“I am, yes”,

“Hi mom”, he greeted her with a kiss, before he walked up to me with open arms. I met him halfway and closed him in my arms.

“Blake”, He petted my back a couple times, before retrieving. “So Adam and B’s plan worked, hah?”,

Gwen’s mouth dropped. “You knew about it?”

“Yeah”, he duhed with a big smile.

“Wow”,

I chuckled while shaking my head amused. “How’s studying going?”

His smile dropped and instead he rolled his eyes. “Not good”, he whined, to which I squeezed his shoulder.

Right after that he drifted off to the kitchen, in search for a snack.

 “I guess Imma go unpack”,

She nodded, not until she kissed my cheek shortly. “You go do that”,

 

 

 

 

Apollo was leaning against my body, with one arm loosely draped over me. We were watching the tonight show with Jimmy Fallon, who was Zuma’s favourite. I still remember the day I told the blonde boy how I was close friends with Jimmy. Never had I seen his eyes as big as then. It was as if he hadn’t understood that I’m kinda famous as well, until that point.

Zuma and Gwen were both busy commenting on whatever Jimmy was talking about in his monologue, while Kingston was busy texting with most likely his girlfriend.

I slightly tilted my head to get a glance at Apollo’s face. His eyes were glued to the screen, but I could tell he was fighting the exhaustion. He was still adjusting to being in high school now, he clearly wasn’t used to it yet. I moved my hand up to his brown curling hair and softly traced through it. He lifted his head and he smiled at me.

“Are you tired?”,

He nodded.

“You wanna go to bed?”,

Immediately he shook his head, to which I frowned.

“Okay”, I say with squinted, suspicious eyes, to which he smiled again.

“I just wanna lay here with you for a little longer”,

His eyes wandered back off towards the television, while a warm smile was plastered on my lips by then. I noticed Gwen glancing our way with a tiny smile.

 

 

 

“So”, Gwen’s voice suddenly broke through in the guest room. I turned to the door opening, while I pulled the pillowcase over the pillow.

“So”, I repeated while I slowly placed the pillow down on the bed. I closed the last few steps in between us. My hands instantly fell in hers. She let out a long sigh.

“I’m already missing you”,

I chuckled while bringing one of her hands to my lips.

“I know why we’re doing this but I don’t like it”,

“Yeah, me neither”, With a regretful smile I moved an arm around her and pulled her towards me. “I love you”,

“I love you, too”, she muttered into my shirt as she had a dead grip around my chest. “Apollo really missed you”,

“Yeah he did”, I agreed. “I missed him too, all of you”,

“Well it’s normal right? He doesn’t have any memory of a house without you in it”,

That made me grin. “That’s crazy, right?”,

She shrugged while shaking her head. “You became a really important part of our lives, that isn’t crazy”,

I leaned in and nuzzled my nose to hers.

“Do you need help with that?”, she said then out of nowhere, which made me frown. Her head bobbed towards the fitted sheet along with the blanket. I chuckled while glancing innocently at Gwen.

“You know I suck at that”,

She giggled, while petting on my chest a couple times, before moving around me towards the blanket.

“You know, I um… I wrote a song”,

That caught my attention, because this was important. I know Gwen, and writing a song is a way of processing things. So out of curiosity, I went a little closer towards her.

“You did?”,

“Umhmm”, she hummed while shaking the blanket into the fitted sheet.

“What’s it about?”, I tried to sound casual.

“The world. Life and dead. Families. You”,

“Oh”,

She chuckled at that. “It’s really terrible though. But it did remind me of how much I miss writing”,

“Well maybe you should start writing again then”,

She shrugged while nodding hesitantly. “Yeah maybe”,

“What’s with the hesitation?”,

She smiled timidly, as if she knew I was going to see right through her. She placed the blanket neatly down on the bed, before she sat down at the edge.

“Because even though it feels good when I finish a song, it also hurts”,

Carefully I took a seat right beside her.

“It hurts to write?”,

She nodded whilst she fizzled with her fingers. “Yeah, it’s all so pure and honest”,

“Just like everything you write”,

She smiled softly while letting out a long breathe. “Yeah”,

“Has writing always hurt?”

Shyly she looked me in the eye. Before I realised I shot her a comforting smile, while letting the back of my hand fall on her thigh.

She blindly let her hand fall in mine. A second later she nodded.

 “Yeah, because I write down how I feel before I’m even aware that I actually feel like that. It’s as if writing things down, makes it more real”,

As a not so active songwriter, I can hardly imagine what exactly she means by those words. For me it’s surreal to learn how you feel by writing a song about it. I don’t have the capacity to do that so I don’t have the power to understand. But what I do get by now is that when you have the gift of song writing, it’s more powerful than outsiders will ever be able to comprehend. _It’s magic._

“It’s like therapy for you, isn’t it?”

Her head was down, probably staring at our hands as she rubbed her thumb attentively over one my knuckles.

It took her a few seconds to throw her gaze up and bob her head. Her arm fell against mine as she rested her head on my shoulder. She whispered tiredly, underneath her own breathe.

_“Exactly”,_

 

 

 

Everything seemed to work pretty well for a couple of days. But then one day, unknowingly, I woke up. As usual I took a long shower before heading downstairs. My gorgeous wife was sitting at the dining room table, reading a magazine with a mug of steaming coffee in her hand. When I walked into the room, I instantly felt it. This wasn’t gonna be a good day. By matter affect, I knew she must've noticed me walk in, no matter how interesting the magazine might've been, I was right in her sight. Yet she didn't mind lifting her head up.

I frowned but made no comment about it. Instead I nonchalantly cleared my throat while walking over to the coffee can, which I found empty. She only made coffee for herself. Another sign.

"Good morning", I tried then with an affectionate tone, while I started to make some more coffee.

"Morning", she mumbled back, still not tracing her eyes towards me. That made my stomach turn into a knot, because I had gotten used to seeing those brown eyes of hers again.

"Did you sleep well?"

She answered with a simple shrug, while turning the page of the magazine around.

"Yeah me neither, I kept worrying about Kingston having to drive back home", He had gone to a party of one of his friend, which was only a few blocks away, but still. I hate it when he has to drive home with his bike in the middle of the night. I can't help it.

She hummed while shortly gazing up. To my surprise, I even gained a tiny smile. No fooling me though, it wasn't a genuine though, it was more out of obligation.

"So what you reading?", I asked while wandering to her.

"Just some fashion thing",

"Oh", I leaned down and placed a kiss on her temple, knowing very well she doesn't feel like turning her head for a proper morning kiss.

"I'll leave you with that then",

I retrieved, quickly walked around the kitchen island again and filled a cup with the coffee.

"I made coffee if you want some more"

That did caught her attention as she threw me a sudden apologetic look. As if she right then just realised she hadn’t truly noticed me. But I quickly shot her a smile, to let her know she had nothing to worry about. And after that, I disappeared into the living room. She needed space.

 

The entire morning I didn't hear from her. I stayed in the living room, working on the new album I'd like to release. Time flew by as I was busy selecting songs that spoke to me. At some point I was startled when shot a glance at the clock. 1PM already? Suddenly I noticed it was awfully quite as well, making me wonder whether Gwen was still in the kitchen.

When I concentrated to hear any noise at all, I realised I even heard the damn clock ticking. My eyes flew to the white clock radio that I once bought in the beginning of our relationship. Why? Because I thought it was odd that there wasn’t any clock in her bedroom, like I when I wake up I need to have a clock to see what time it is. I don’t wanna pick up my phone and be instantly blinded. So I had bought one. Turned out Gwen couldn’t handle the ticking noise when we had to sleep. At first she didn’t even tell me, not wanting to be rude because it was one of the first things I bought for her. I chuckled at the memory.

When the ticking noise was all I heard, I slowly closed my laptop. I  stood up and took the last steps separating me from the kitchen.

To my surprise, she was still right there though, on the exact same spot. What I noticed first was how she did decide on drinking another cup of coffee, which somehow made me smile. I’m not sure why. After all I did make the coffee for her, and drinking it one way or another showed that she wasn’t truly trying to push me away on purpose.

"Gwen?"

I startled her as she gasped for air. With a tiny jump on her chair, she looked my way.

“I’m sorry”, I winced to which she smiled forgivingly. Within a slow walk, I made my way over to the table. Casually I rested my butt down on the table, right beside the same magazine of hours ago. That’s definitely another sign that she’s far from okay.  I watched her for a few seconds.

"You ok?", 

All she did was hum, but my eyes fell on her foot that started to swing nervously.

Nevertheless she kept on pretending to read the magazine carefully. For me personally I could tell that was just her way to ignore my gaze. If after almost ten years of marriage she thinks that I don’t know her yet, then she’s quite wrong.

"Can you look at me for a second?"

She swallowed, while her eyes stayed focussed on a certain spot on the magazine now.  With a small sight she looked up with a smile. Clearly she was pretending that she was completely fine.

"You're worrying me",  Honesty.

"I'm fine, Blake, really", she huffed as if my comment was the most ridiculous thing she ever heard.

"Then why are you being distant?" Out of my want to make her feel like she isn’t alone in this, I shoved my finger closer towards her hand.

"I'm not being distant", she spoke while shrugging sadly.

"Yes you are"

"No I'm not, I'm just reading a magazine", and with that she suddenly jumped in her own defence again.

I let a silent pause fall between us, while our eyes stayed locked. I inhaled deeply before letting out a  deep breath. My fingers touched her left hand, to which her eyes flew to our hands.

"I don't wanna fight, I don't. But you are being distant, maybe you don't realise it, I don't know”, I spoke quickly. “But I worry about you. I always do, I can't help it",

Gwen sighed then while pulling her right hand through her hair. Her elbow rested on the table as she threw her gaze down. And then I waited. She had a lot on her mind right now and clearly didn’t know how to answer me. So I kept on waiting, while rubbing my finger over her skin.

"I just wanna be alone right now", she eventually said calmly. It wasn’t the words I had expected to follow, but then again I wasn’t sure what to expect. All I knew was that I was relieved she hadn’t gotten angry at me.

"Okay", I pushed myself away from the table and just like that I took the first steps out of the living room. It’s then that I heard her mumble something.

_"Don't be angry",_

I looked over my shoulder with a frown. With a few steps back I ended up standing behind her. My hands cautiously caressed over her shoulders as I leaned in to place a kiss on top of her head.

“Of course not. Take all the time you need, I’m here if you need me”,  

I stayed put for a few more seconds, just looking at her gorgeous blonde hairs before I walked away again.

 

 

Somewhere around 3PM, I heard her putting on her coat and leaving the house behind. I wanted to ask where she went off to, because I'm curious and worried, but I didn't. She needed some space.

That did lead to me being worried as hell as I had no clue where she went off to. For hours I could no longer concentrate on my work, all my brain could think about was her and how she had that sorrowed frown again.

What did distract me was Kingston finally getting downstairs with messy hairs and grey pyjama pants. Other than that, he was rubbing his hand over his forehead while he had squinted, small eyes.

I chuckled while shaking my head amused. With crossed arms, I watched him get closer. His eyes found mine for a split second, but afterwards he willingly ignored them. He walked into the kitchen, immediately opening the fridge and picking out a bottle of water which he drank up all at once.

I chuckled when he wiped the back of his hand over his mouth.

"I bet the drinks last night were emptied as fast as the water just now, hah?"

He grunted by the sound of my voice while squeezing his eyes shut. I flew out if my chair and started walking up to the twenty year old.

"Not funny, Blake", he groaned, to which I placed my hand on his shoulder and leaded him towards the kitchen table.

"What? You gonna give me a speech now?" he chuckled bitterly while carefully sitting down on the chair.

"No buddy", I let out a laugh. "Imma get you some pain killer. Wait here"

When I arrived back in the kitchen, the boy had his head rested on his arms, laying on the table. Poor man. I took a glass of water and threw the effervescent in.

"Here", he looked up and winced at the view of the sparkling water.

"If I take that, Imma threw up", he mumbled, nevertheless taking the glass out of my hands to place it in front of him.

"Well either way it's gonna help", I sat down beside him while shoving the glass closer towards him again.

With a lot of effort he brought the glass to his lips and poured the medicine backwards in one shot.

He winced afterwards, making me almost jump up in search of a bucket, but to my luck everything seemed to stay inside. His head fell back down on top of his arms.

"Where's mom?"

"Good question. Maybe doing some errands"

"You don't know?", he frowned slightly. I'm not sure it was because of me or the headache.

"No I don't"

"You guys had a fight?"

I shook my head. "No. I guess she just needed some time for herself. Don't worry about it, I'll make sure she's alright"

He nodded softly, instantly regretting it because of his headachte. "Good", he mumbled.

"You should get back in bed"

He hummed while slowly starting to pick himself up from the chair and it actually made me pity him. Those damn hangovers.

"Sleep it off",

He hummed a second time while walking away. I started to get up to put the glass in the vending machine, when I heard his voice again.

"Thanks for the pain killer",

I looked over my shoulder and shot him a piteous smile. "of course"

"And hey, Blake?" I hummed. "I know you hate eating alone, and I would join you if I wasn't dying. But please don't forget to eat today"

A small smile came to my lips. It still took me by surprise how much these guys care about me.

"I promise"

 

 

 

After the boy had left me behind, I decided to go watch some television before following his advice. I prepared a simple meal, yet even though I had to eat alone, I made it for the three of us. Gwen, King and I. The youngest were with their dad this week, while King had decided ever since he turned 18 to live with us. Not because he didn't love his dad, but simply because he was done with moving every week. He visited Gavin a lot though, but he has always been a momma’s boy.

While I poked my fork into a pasta, I did start to feel lonely. I kept reminding myself that Kingston was right upstairs, but it didn't help. Somehow in my entire life I almost never ate alone. When I grew up, we always ate together as a family, and ever since I left my childhood home, I mostly lived with someone or had friends over for dinner. The only time in my life was in my marriage with Miranda. She was off to tours a lot, or went out to eat with 'friends', and to not put all the blame on her, but I also was in LA a lot. So I ended up eating a lot by myself...and I remember feeling so lonely at that time... So whenever a day comes by now that I have to eat alone, I'm unconsciously brought back to that loneliness, and I hate that.

 

It must be around 8PM when I heard our front door click open again. I was just putting my plate down in the dishwasher, when she walked into the kitchen.

"You already ate?", I turned around to find her holding a plastic bag in the air.

"I did, yeah, I'm so sorry", I winced apologetically.

"No!! Don’t be, that's fine. I brought you chicken wings though".

"You did?", I howled sadly. She nodded with a soft, yet shy chuckle. "I probably should've asked whether you were planning on cooking but I wanted to surprise you",

She said when her eyes fell down on the bowl of pasta made for her and King as well.

"No! No!", I jumped in while taking the bag out of her hands gratefully.

"Pasta salad goes perfectly with chicken wings right?", I said, to which she smiled adorably. “After all you don’t even need chicken wings, so you still need the pasta salad”,

I started walking to the closet to pick out two plates and forks and knives, while placing them on the table. Afterwards I went back a second time to pick up the bowl filled with pasta.

And I suddenly felt her fingertips slip around my waist.

I placed the bowl back down, to cover my hands around her arms. My eyes closed while I felt relieve all over my body. How is it possible to miss someone’s touch within a few hours?

"I'm sorry about the coffee",

That made me frown, to which I turned in her arms to face her.

"The coffee?", I asked confused.

"Yeah this morning, I didn't make any for you", she sounded ashamed even, which completely overwhelmed me.

I chuckled. "That's fine, baby"

"No it isn't. I know it's a small thing, but I should've made coffee for you as well. I shouldn't only think about myself, especially not since you do so much for me. I’m an idiot and I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that and you deserve-"

I placed my finger to her lips.

"Hush", I shook my head disagreeing. My hand webt to cup her cheek. "It's okay."

Without warning, she melted into my body all at once, while holding onto me tight. I could feel that for some reason she needed my arms around her more than ever. So I wrapped her to my chest quite a while.

"You wanna go eat?", I asked after a while to which she nodded. Yet she didn't move an inch. I traced circles over her back, trying to sooth whatever was going on it that pretty head of hers. My guess is that we stood there for another two minutes, just hugging as she had her eyes closed. She seemed more relaxed as the seconds went by.

"Your wings will get cold",

"I don't care. We have a microwave, right?", I brushed my lips on her hair, causing her head to lift up. Her brown gorgeous eyes looked at me.

"You're handsome",

I flashed her my dimples while betting her my eyelashes, with made her laugh and play fully hit me on the chest.

“And a dork"

"I know", I quickly placed a kiss on her cheek. "Food?”

She nodded while we started to walk to the dining table. Her eyes then fell on top of the two plates.

"Isn't King home?"

A chuckle rolled over my lips. "Yeah he is"

In confusion, Gwen frowned my way. "Shouldn't we call out for him then?"

I scrunched my nose. "I'm not sure if that's a good idea",

"Why not? Did he already.... Ohhh", she said while I gave her an obvious look.

I nodded while serving Gwen some pasta before taking some of the wings out of the bag.

"I checked up on him an hour ago and he was still sleeping, so I figured waking him wouldn't make me his favorite person"

"Well that shouldn't hold you back", Gwen suddenly jumped up, clearly being the overprotective mom, to which I quickly grasped for her arm.

She looked over her shoulder, causing me to pull her closer to me again.

"Why don't you leave him alone for a while, hah?"

"Blake!", she said with a disapproving tone. "He caused this himself. He should not have drunk that much",

I wiped my thumb over her skin while raising a brow.

"He's twenty, Gwen"

"So what?", she cried out shocked, which almost made ma chuckle. "Did you say twenty-one? I don't think so!"

And then the chuckle escaped, to which her mouth dropped. "You think this is funny?"

"A little bit, yeah", I admitted with a grin while I hooked an arm around her. "Come here"

She pouted, yet came closer towards me.

"You can go run upstairs and drag him out of his bed to obligate him to eat wings with that awful stomach he has while you give him a speech he won’t listen to because of the headache... Or you could stay here and have a nice dinner with me, while tomorrow you can give him a speech when you do have his attention"

Gwen squinted her eyes, thinking.

"don't you think that the hangover is a punishment enough already?"

"nope”,

That made me laugh while shaking my head. I let go of her arm while making a 'Go Ahead' hand gesture. But to my surprise she stayed put.

"Fine, I won't go up", She sat back down with pouting lips.

"why not? You can, I was just saying my opinion", I said within a few chuckles.

"I know. But your opinion is important. Besides maybe I'd want to have a quite diner.. With you"

"Well, I’m not fighting you on that, because I’d really like that",

We silently started our diner, as she shortly commented about the pasta being really good, but other than that we just enjoyed each other's company in silence.

"So um", she started while picking her fork into the pasta, just like I had done an hour ago. "I had a dream last night"

I looked at her, but she didn't look into my direction. She just stated at our black and white table. So I decided on humming curiously.

"Well I'm not sure if it was a dream or a nightmare to be honest"

"Okay", her eyes found mine when I reached my hand out to take hers. I squeezed it softly while giving her an encouraging smile.

"I dreamed about my mom. It was just a regular Sunday dinner at her place and everybody was there", she smiled sadly as tears already started to fill her eyes. Somehow she seemed also confused, as if the dream totally got in her head. "and it was lovely", she whispered with a broken voice.

"She was making pancakes for all the kids and--",

Her voice cracked again while she closed her eyes, to prevent tears from falling.

"It just felt good, it was such a good day... And then I woke up. And for the first seconds, I forgot"

I got teary eyes as well by now, just by seeing the pain in hers.

"I forgot she's gone. And then I remembered",

I wiped my thumb over the soft skin of her hand before standing up and crouching down next to her.

I cupped both her cheeks.

“It’s weird I know, it’s just a dream, I’m acting ridiculous”, But I immediately hushed her, which caught her attention.

"Can I tell you a story?”,

She bobbed her head intrigued, while I wiped the last tear from her cheek.

“I have a recurring dream about my brother, still up to today. When we were kids we always played in our fort that we had made in the woods. That's what I dream about, the two of us playing there. And I always wake up to realise he's no longer with us",

She shot me a soothing smile as her hand fell on my arm.

"You know what made me feel better lately after waking up like that?",

She shook her head.

"I think about you", I gained a tiny smile. "or on the normal days I look beside me to find you there",

"And that helps?",

I nodded. "You wanna know why? Because you made me believe again, Gwen, you made me believe that everything happens for a reason. You're the one that taught me that. You taught me faith, in matter affect, you are my faith",

She leaned into my touch with warm-hearted eyes.

"So when you wake up after a dream like that, think about your faith and everything you taught me. Your mom was the one to have taught you faith. Isn’t that enough prove that she would want you to be happy just like on that day in your dream?"

Her arms encircled around my neck all at once, as I fell down from my crouched down position.  “Whoa”, My booty hit the ground, followed by my back, as Gwen landed right on top of me, holding me close.

I could hear soft giggles muffled in my shirt, causing me to burst into laughter as well. Every time Gwen tried to speak again or looked at me, she let out a laugh again, causing us to fall into an uncontrollable laughing session, as she climbed higher on top of me. Her nose nuzzled into my neck and her giggles tickled me.

Eventually she did lift her head up from my body and both of us started to get a grip on our laughter again.

She placed her hands on each side of my head on the ground, to stabilize herself. She shook her head backwards, so her loose hairs fell on her back, before leaning down again. Man, isn’t she the most beautiful woman on earth?

She smiled lovely, probably because of my love fooled eyes. And she closed the last distance then as she pulled me into a kiss.

“Thank you”, she whispered into her kisses. “You’re the best”,

“Am I?”, I wobbled my brows amused, to which she nodded seriously, before a seductive smirk came on her lips again.

“Maybe reward me with another of your perfect kisses?”,

“I think I can do that”, She whispered with a grin, as she placed her lips on top of mine again.

“Jesus, mom! Blake!”,

 Gwen and I pulled away still with laughs on faces, while turning to Kingston.

“You guys have a bedroom, you know? ew”,

He shook his head, while he almost turned back around and went back upstairs.

I chuckled while shaking my head amused.

“We just fell, buddy”,

Gwen sadly enough rolled off of me then, while pulling herself up in a heartbeat. No one can possible understand how fit this woman keeps on being.

“Kingston James McGregor Rossdale! Care to explain why you haven’t been up yet till now?”

I chuckled silently with a big smirk on my lips. Poor boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo Gwen's opening up a little more step by step, yeehaw


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old story, new chapter. Hope you remember this one. It's about Gwen processing her mom's passing and how that influences Gwen and Blake's 10years of mariage.
> 
> The only reason I am uploading this story is because of Mel and Gwenfanatic's comments on Fearless. This one is for you two! 
> 
> xxx Noor

It was already way past midnight when I made an attempt to get my key into our door. Well I do say attempt for a reason, because after the third fail, I started chuckling.

"dammit Blake", I said to myself. Today had been one hell of a day. I had been in the studio from way too early in the morning till 7pm. Around that time Luke had come pick me up to have diner and a few beers... And a few beers had turned into a few too many.

Well it's not like I'm drunk, no. More tipsy. When I finally got the door unlocked, I instantly made my way to the kitchen to take a bottle of water with me. As I tried to climb the stairs as quite as possible and brushed my teeth, I decided to not turn into the guestroom right away.

Instead I walk up to our bedroom door, which creaked when I opened it. I squinted because of the noise, but to my luck, Gwen hadn't moved an inch.

I carefully make my way over to her side of the bed and squat down in front of her nightstand. Thanks to the few beams of light coming from the cracked door, I could jus make out the features of her face. She was sleeping so peacefully, and right in that moment I could not care less about how badly I longed for some sleep. Instead I felt as if I could watch her sleep for hours. I had left so early this morning that I hadn't even had the chance to see her, not even for a second. And I really needed my daily portion of Gwen. I smile as I notice her frown a little in her sleep.

Slowly I move my hand to brush a strand of her hair behind her ear. My fingers linger a few more seconds against her skin, caressing soft circles over her cheek. She grunted softly as at the same time a smile appeared on her face. She's so stunning. 

"Goodnight baby", I whisper while moving in to brush my lips on her sleep. "I love you", for a couple seconds I kept watching her sleep, until I had to force myself to push my body up. I shot her one more glance before quietly sneaking out of our bedroom and into the guestroom.

As soon as I arrived there, I started to get rid of my clothes to get as soon as possible into my pyjamas. Before I realised it, my back hit the soft mattress. I let out a loud but content sigh. As happy as I was to crawl under the covers and get some rest, yet I couldn't help the thought running through my head that this mattress if far from the same as the one in our bedroom. And even worse, it missed something really important. Gwen, inside my arms. Ugh. I pouted unconsciously before closing my eyes and falling asleep almost the very same second with nothing but Gwen on my mind.

 

 

 

Somewhere further that night I suddenly felt a pair of lips linger on my forehead. Well to be quite honest, I wasn't aware it were lips at first. All my sleepy mind registered was a brush against my skin.

I remember grunting softly while moving my head into the direction of the touch, but it had disappeared.

Sleepily I turned to my other hip as my brain started to fall asleep again as well.

I don't know how much later it was, probably only a minute, when for some reason I let out a yawn while lazily squinting my eyes open.

It took me a few times to blink before my sight started to get less blurry. In the meantime I stretched my arms a little. It's then that I registered my beautiful blonde at the edge of the bed.

With tiny eyes, I drew a dully smile on my face. Her soft eyes were locked on mine for a couple of seconds, as she smiled sweetly.

"Hi", I mumbled.

"Shh go back to sleep", I heard her tender voice. My smile grew bigger while I blindly reached my arm out. It must've landed at her shoulder, so I could easily pull her closer, but yet I didn't.

"Lay with me for a while", I mutter, giving her an exit if she wanted.

But to my luck, she didn't leave my sight. Instead I felt her body get closer until she was tightly pressed against me. Loosely she threw her arm over my chest as she nestled her head on my shoulder.

A silence fell between us, as my hand on her waist kept her close. It took around a minute before she tilted her head up and her lips almost touched my ear.

"I missed you today", she whispered, while leaving a kiss on my cheek line.

"You did?" I grinned happily, which made her push herself up a bit to place a kiss on the corner of my grin.

She hummed while nuzzling her nose with mine, before she made herself comfortable on me again.

"Did you get home late?"

"Yeah, too late", I chuckled, remembering all the beers. "It was around 2AM"

"Oh", she says with a smile . "did you have fun?"

"Yeah, it was fun catching up with Luke, I forget what an idiot he is sometimes", that made her giggle softly. "what about you? How was your day?"

She shrugged. "Not so special, I mostly read"

I hummed while tracing a finger over her arm.  
"Good book?"

"Nah", she answered adorably, which made chuckle.

"what was it about?"

"Nothing important, I should let you sleep instead of talking about some dumb book", she chuckled slightly uncomfortable.

"No", I whined while nuzzling my nose into her neck. "I rather stay awake and talk with you some more"

"you sure?"

"definitely",

"because I'd understand if you'd wanna sleep, you had a long, busy day"

I chuckled while shaking my head. "I did. But that also meant that I had to miss you for the entire day, so don't leave me yet", I pouted.

"you missed me?"

"Of course I did. I hate it when I don' t see you in the morning and when I get home so late. I hate not seeing you", a beautiful shy smile comes to her features. "Even more, my day starts off in such a bad mood when I realize that I won't see that day"

She leans closer and brushes her grinning lips against mine for a long sweet kiss.

"now tell me about that book you read"  
  


 

 

We must've been talking for over an hour, when I start to notice Gwen getting sleepier and less talky. I kissed the top of her head, which caused a loud exhale to follow.

"You're getting tired hah?"

She shook her head forcefully, causing a full on belly laugh to escape.

"it's okay to be tired, Gwen, it's past 5AM",

"But I don't wanna leave", she whispered then underneath her breath. And I knew exactly how she felt. Sure I misssed having her by my side every night, but that time was even worse. I hadn't seen or spoken to her for an entire day and having her in my arms was something I had longed for the entire day, but I thought wouldn't happen that day.

Yet here I was, with her tightly against me.

"Then don't leave", it was out before I even realized, but I didn't regret it.

"What about our rule?"

"Rules are made for breaking, baby", she rolled her eyes amused which made me flash her my dimples.

"No, the rule is still there... But maybe just for today it doesn't have to count"

"So what you're saying is that we're allowed to gave a cheat day?"

I chuckled while ending up nodding. "yeah, something like that. It's fully up to you, I'm good with whatever you chose"

She takes her time to think about it.

"So you don't care about which one I'd chose?"

"Oh believe me, I do"

"if you'd chose, then what would it be?"

I grinned while looking at her in disbelief. How does she even have to ask me that question.

"I would lay here forever with you in my arms, baby girl".

A bright smile reached my eyes, as she nodded.

"In that case, I'd like to stay"

I wrapped my arms tightly around her, as her head rested on my chest. One of her arms was draped loosely around my waist.

In the darkness of the room I could only make out some of the features of her face, but they hypnotised me anyway. Her eyes had fallen shut by now, and it wouldn't 've surprised me if she was asleep already.

And no matter how tired I was, I couldn' t bring myself to close my eyes. I kept on staring at her relaxed expression and the way the corners of her lips were slightly up in a content smile. After all these years of being with her, sharing the bed with her, living with her, I still get taken aback sometimes when I find her laying in my arms. God, she still takes my breathe away. 

She's drop dead gorgeous and she doesn't even have to do a single thing to make my heart skip a beat. By now, I was smiling like a fool at my sleeping wife. This moment right here, the way she looked so peacefully listening to my heart beat, I wanted to make a mental picture. I wanted to save this moment forever.

After a pretty long time, I could feel my eyes burn a little because of the tiredness, so out of obligation I gave her one last glance.

My eyes closed.  
  


 

When my consciousness returned, I still felt her arms wrapped around me. My eyes hadn't opened yet and I already had a smile plastered on my lips.

"Good morning"

My eyes did open now to find her chocolate brown eyes focused on me.

"Morning", I smiled tiredly.

She moved a little from under my arms, just enough to be able to make our lips touch.

I grinned happily.

"Best way to wake up", I said in between kissing her again. She hummed in agreement while throwing her arms around my neck.

She had a matching smile on her lips as her nose nuzzled mine.

"Do you have plans for today?",

I thought for a second before shaking my head.  
"Do you?"

To my surprise she nodded, to which I raised my eyebrows in curiosity.

With a mischievous, yet shy smile, she let her hand fall on my chest.

"So you know, I'm married to this really great guy. I told you that right?", she asked with a tiny blush on her skin. In the meantime her fingers traced circles over my heart.

My dimples flashed, as I tilted my head as if I as thinking really hard. Eventually I shrugged.

"Yeah you might have mentioned him", I played along.

"Well I was planning to spend the day with him, you know, watching a movie, playing table games, eat, cuddle-- make out", she added the last one with an amused look.

"Oh really? Well I think he's a lucky guy then",

She shrugged casually with an adorable glance, to have her end up nodding in the end. "Yeah he is"

I chuckled as I pulled her grinning lips against mine.

"You're gonna start with making that husband of yours watch the sound of music again, aren't you?"

"Well whyyyy", she cried out, taking surprise. "I hadn't thought about, but that such a great idea",

I buried my face in her neck while leaving a kiss on her collarbone.

"Unless my husband has any better suggestions of course",

I let out a short laugh, and the breathe on her skin made her giggle along.

"Hmm, I'm afraid his head isn't really concentrated on movies right now", I joked while pulling her body closer 

to mine. "and I also bet that your guy still loves to watch you sing along to all the songs as much as he did ten years ago"

Gwen grinned while moving her nails over my scruff.

"I'm done with this game",

"why is that?", I still had my dimples on display as I stroke a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Because you're my husband and I don't wanna pretend you're not"

"I don't want to either"

"good"

"great", I add to which she giggles. 

She smiled happily while throwing her eyes down bashful.

"so the sound of music?"

That caught her attention again as she nodded enthusiastically. "Yes please"


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

"So how have you been feeling lately?", 

I notice how Gwen sucked on her bottomlip a little before answering. 

"Good. There have been moments I started to feel more like me again",

"What's that 'me' like? Can you describe that to me?", 

Gwen stared at her. "Okay", she moved her gaze away to look out of the window for a couple of seconds. "Someone who's happy to be around people again, maybe? Um-- I don't know", 

"Okay", she said as she nodded a few times with a serious look on her face. When Gwen sighed, the serious look turned a bit smoother. "Believe me, Gwen, I know it's a hard question. I don't expect you to have a prepared answer to it. But tell me what has been the moments that have had you feel like the old you?" 

I carefully watched the scene in front of me in silence as Gwen was thinking. 

"Spending time with my kids, listening to King about what he's studying and which parts he finds the most interesting, writing songs, - - talking to Blake", she added while looking my way for one of the first times since we got in here. I shot her a small smile. 

"It does seem you have made a lot of progress. All the moments you just mentioned were moments with the people closest you. It's important to learn to let them in somehow", 

Gwen bobbed her head . "I used to love being around people", 

"Do you feel like you lost that part of you for a while?", 

Gwen hummed convincingly. 

"When was the first time you started feeling like wanting to be around someone again?" 

In the meantime Gwen was playing with her fingers on her lap. 

"A few weeks ago, Blake and I got locked up somewhere, by accident. And I got scared so he had taken my hand in his...", she glanced my way. "and that felt so familiar and warm, and I just - - I had missed it so much", 

The woman nodded with a tiny smile. "You had missed his hand in yours?" 

Gwen shrugged while partly nodding. "Sure, yeah, his hand in mine, but just him in general. Him. Me. And just us. I realised that I can't lose him as well" 

My heart ached to think back about a few weeks and how I had had those exact same thoughts in my head. 

"And how are things now between you two?", 

Gwen and I locked eyes for a few seconds, until I move my gaze to the psychologist. I had let Gwen do all the talking since we came in here, so I was not sure whether I was allowed to answer that question for her, even though the psychologist her eyes went from hers to mine as well. Yet I waited.

"Things have been better?", I hear Gwen say a bit hesitant with such an insecure voice.

"You sound unsure",

A silence follows, which makes me move my eyes towards Gwen. She was looking down at her sneakers for a couple seconds as she uncomfortable shrugged.

My instinct made me stretch my hand out to land on top of her knee.

"It has gotten better.", I repeat her sentence more confidently now, while Gwen's eyes had locked on mine. She threw me a sweet smile which I returned. "At least for me it has. Just seeing a smile on Gwen's lips again every once in a while lights up my whole day", 

Gwen sighed in a relieved way while placing the palm of her hand over mine and locking our fingers. "Every time something has made me smile, I have seen that twinkle appear in your eyes",

I hummed while she shook her head in disbelief while turning back to the psychologist. "I sometimes can't believe what I've put him through. Well, everyone actually",

I frown at that while watching the sadness in her eyes. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw that the psychologist was about to open her mouth, but I interrupted.

"That's not your fault", Gwen looked at me while I turn my hand in hers so I can give it a soft squeeze. "You didn't put me through this or yourself or anyone. You were just healing, you still are and I'm here every step it takes, no matter what",

Gwen's eyes slightly filled to which I shook my head. "You can't feel guilty, baby. This is not your fault", I repeat.

All three of us took a moment in silence.

"Do you feel guilty, Gwen?",

It didn't take her long to nod.

"Can you tell me what you feel the most guilty about?",

I softly move a finger over hers, trying to somehow sooth the pain of guilt she feels in her chest. 

"Blake was always trying to be supportive every second of every day and instead of being grateful, I shut him out for months", she said in almost a whisper.

It was hard not to interrupt again. But luckily I realized quickly enough that a silence was needed after that. 

"You have every right to grieve. And every person does that on their own way",

"I wish my way had been different", Gwen said immediately as if she didn't want it to be ok.

"But you can't chose that, can you? So why do you blame yourself for something you can't chose?",

"because I hurt people in the meantime", Gwen swallowed.

"But yet here you are. The two of you. Isn't that the most important part, that you're finding your way back?",

Gwen smiles softly at that while nodding silently.

"Nothing's more important", I decided to fill in, which made Gwen look down with an even bigger smile on her lips.

"What do you hope to see in the future?",

"The future? Getting closer to how things were every day that goes by. I just want to be able to smile at every ridiculous joke this one makes", she said while nodding my way, which made me let out a soft chuckle. "and be the mom that my boys deserve again."

"And I believe you'll get there",

"Me too", I jumped in once more while we locked our eyes for a couple of seconds, as if she really needed to see it in my eyes how badly I meant what I said. Because I did. She's the strongest person I know and she'll be just fine.

"What about you, Blake?", that made me snap my eyes away from my wife's in confusion. "What do you want for the near future?"

"My happy wife back. Full time. I know there are still things we need to figure out and need to progress, and I know it won't be easy from now on. But I'm ready to face it if she's willing to face it with me. However we'll come stronger out of this", Gwen nodded which makes me smile.

"Do you believe in it that you'll get stronger out of it?"

I didn't hesitate. "I've never believed anything as much as I do this",

"what about you Gwen?"

"I honestly start believing we will. At least there's nothing I want more",

 

 

With Gwen behind the wheel, I just continuesly stared at her. She was so concentrated on the road that she didn't even notice. Somehow it brought me back to over ten years ago, when she picked me up from my rental to carpool to the Voice set. The first times we weren't even together yet. But she knew I hated driving in LA. Back then I secretly stole glances of her, especially when I heard her laugh because I used to think that her smile was the most beautiful thing in the world. I still think that.

All of a sudden she caught me staring which causes a smile to form on her lips. "Why you staring, cowboy?"

I answered with a shrug and a smile.

"Let's stop right here",

Gwen shot me an amused frown. "Here?"

"Yeah right here", I said while pointing at a parking spot. "Take a walk with me",

She let out a short giggle while taking the spot. I jumped out of the car, to make my way over to open her door for her.

"Thank you", she smiled lovely while stepping out of the vehicle. She was standing right in front of me and I took the last step even closer to be able to close the door behind her. Now the tips of our feet were touching as I stared in her brown eyes.

A beam came to her face when I took both her hands in mine.

"So what now?", she whispered while she made our chests meet.

I casually shrug with a grin. After that she went up on her tippietoes, so she's high enough to just bruch her lips on mine. And it was perfect. Just holding her hands and feeling her lips on mine was all I ever really needed.

When she went back down on her feet, I lean in to quickly place a small kiss on forehead, before folding my arms around her shoulders. A soft sigh escaped her lips as she planted her head on my chest. Her small hands moved softly from on my chest to around my back.

We didn't say a word, not when we stood there for a couple seconds, and not even when we separated and just held each other hand.

I took her with me into a park nearby, as the sun was already setting behind the trees.

"We should go to Oklahoma soon", she said then, to which I hum.

"Remember when we carved our initials into a tree over there?",

I chuckle while bobbing my head up and down. "I remember being afraid you'd think it was too cheesy",

Gwen giggled, while letting go of my hand. Instead both her hands wrapped around my bicep to be closer to me.

"But I couldn't help to show you how madly in love I was with you, well am actually",

She slowed down her steps, which made me do the same. My eyes found hers and I noticed the sweet smile on her lips. The one were she tries to hold back a grin.

"How can you love me so much?",

I shrugged. "It's easy. You're pretty lovable",

But she shook her head. "Not lately I wasn't",

I turned my body her way, and her hands both left my arm. I opened both my hands in front of her, waiting for her hands to take mine.

When she did I just smiled while shaking my head.

"I don't know how to answer that question. But no matter what's going on in our lifes, all I have to do is look into these beautiful eyes and I know everything will be ok",

She let out a deep breathe while I could already see her eyes fill with emotion again.

"Besides", I said while braiding my fingers in hers. "I know that if it would've been the other way around that you would've done the same for me. You wouldn't give up on me just like I didn't give up on you, ok?,"

I let go of one of her hands to catch a single tear that rolled down her cheek. "it's a for better or for worse thing, remember?"

She chuckled while nodding, yet another tear formed in her eyes.

"So stop feeling guilty, sweetie, stop feeling whatever pains that beautiful heart of yours. Because I don't want you to feel it",

I brought our locked hands up and placed a kiss on the back of her hand. "More even, I don't allow you to feel it",

She let out a soft smile while shortly after I wrapped both my arms around her. "You're always loveable to me",

She gazed up from out of my embrace. "I think that maybe we should...", she stopped mid sentence, as she had spoken within a whisper.

I frowned while trying to catch her eyes again. "Maybe we should what?",

My words brought her eyes back to me, to which she grins. "No nothing", when I frowned she starts giggling. "Never mind", she added then with a mischievous voice.

"No come on tell me", I said with a pout, to which she let a hand fall down upon my cheek.

"I just have an idea but you're not allowed to know it yet",

An amused frown grew on my face. "Excuse me?",

She started laughing while just bringing her brows up.

"But I wanna know", I said suddenly really curious.

But all she did was smile and shrug. "Then you'll just have to be patient", she leaned in and brushed her nose with mine, before her lips touched mine so gently and teasingly because before I know it they had left mine again and she was walking further into the park, longing me for more.

"You coming, Blakey?", I chuckled while quickly catching up and throwing an arm around her waist.

We continued our walk just enjoying the sunset and each other's company. It's only when Kingston sent us a text asking where we were that we decided to head on back.

Once we arrived back home, Gwen started making dinner, while I helped. Well mostly I just stood behind her, with my arms wrapped around her and planting kisses on her neck. Ever since that kiss in the park, I've been longing for a longer one. And she knew that and I knew she longed for it too. But just to tease me, she kept on only placing small kisses on the corner of my lips.

When diner was ready, Kingston joined us and we talked about how it was almost his girlfriend's birthday and he wasn't sure what to buy her yet. So we helped him with some ideas, to which he mostly scrunched his nose or frowned in a disapproving way. All of us laughed a lot though.

After diner, we cleaned the dishes and to my surprise he didn't go upstairs right away. Lately he didn't spend as much time with us any longer. Maybe it was because of what had happened lately, or maybe it was because he liked to game with his friends on the computer or skyping with his girlfriend more than hanging out with us, but whatever it was it didn't seem to matter now.

We got comfortable on the couch with Kingston right beside us. It felt good to have him back on commenting on some show Gwen loved, which made Gwen punch him on the arm amused.

"Don't make fun of me", she added, which made Kingston laugh.

"Zuma and Apollo are coming back on Monday right?",

Gwen shot him a short glance. "Yes", she said while looking back at the screen. But after a few seconds, she looked back at him.

"Everything ok?", she asked him suddenly, which caught my attention as well. I gaze up at Kingston who indeed had a rather sad look on his face.

"Yeah," He whispered while letting his eyes go back to the television screen again.

"Ok, if you wanna talk about it, you know you can, right?",

He nodded, while traveling his eyes back to his mom. "I was just thinking that maybe next weekend we can hang out you know? All of us",

Gwen nodded with a tiny frown on her face. "Yeah sure,"

"Like I know this weekend I have to study a lot, but maybe next weekend with Apollo and Zuma as well - - I don't know, maybe we can just hang out",

I saw Gwen nod once more. "Sure, like what do you want to do?",

He shrugged. "Just normal stuff? Like have a pool day and after that movie night? And maybe the next day going to disneyland?"

Gwen smiled while bobbing her head. "Sounds fun", Kingston's face lightened. "Maybe Emily can join us as well"

And surprisingly Kingston's face fell again.

"Is everything still good with you and Emily?",

He nodded immediately. "Yeah sure, we're good",

"But you rather not bring her?", Gwen asked cautiously.

"I just wanna spend time with you, mom", he said then very honestly.

Her arm stretched out towards her 20 year old boy, and he didn't hesitate to get closer and hug onto her. I smiled seeing the picture in front of me.

Gwen stroked her fingers through Kings hairs as he closed his eyes.

"I missed you, too", she whispered while placing a kiss on top of his head.  
  
  
  
  


"Hi handsome",

I had just taken my t-shirt out over my head to change into pyjamas. I chuckled while turning around her way.

"Hello there",

She was leaning with her shoulder against the door frame, wearing one of her cute and sexy nightgowns. She grinned. "How about we leave for Oklahoma tomorrow?",

I chucked until I saw her face. "You serious?"

She nodded. "Apollo and Zuma are with Gavin till Monday afternoon, Kingston has to study and is 20 years old, he can manage a weekend on his own",

I smiled at her as with every sentence she spoke, she took a step closer to me. "and I know you miss it, normally we go there each month and now we haven't been in so long. Besides, I kind of like the idea of a weekend with just the two of us",

I nodded. My eyes followed her hand that landed on top of my bare chest and carefully traced all the way to my back.. "I'd like that too", I swallowed with a grin as I felt the palm over her hands stable on my back, yet she gently massaged my skin with her fingers. "But is Kingston really fine with that?",

She leaned in to gently brush her lips on my shoulder. Not much later she hummed. "I spoke with him. He's excited for us actually", she whispered against my skin. 

"Really?", I felt her plant more kisses, each time a bit lower. "Oh I see, that was your idea from in the park right, that I wasn't allowed to know?", I said sounding so smart. But to my surprise she chuckled. 

"not really", she answered. I had to gasp for air for a second when I felt her nails glide down on my back. "you'll have to be patient", abd she brushed her lips on my stomach. 

"Gwen", I spoke while pulling her up to me. I immediately lean in, wanting to take her mouth with mine, but she slightly pulled away to tease. Instead she kissed the corner of my lips again, and went up all the way to my jawline. 

I whispered her name as I move my hands under her night dress. I gently caress over her curves, which made her let out a soft moan and throw her arms over my neck.

She sucked on my earlobe so softly that I couldn't help but grunt to which she smiled. 

She threw her hair to the other side and locked eyes with me. When I opened my mouth so bring out a word, she shook her head and brought a finger to my lips. She had a mischievous look in her eyes. 

"To be continued", she whispered into my ear then, and before I knew it, she ran out of my arms with the biggest grin on her lips. 

My mouth fell down. "No", I brought out shocked, causing Gwen to laugh. "nooo you can't just leave now", I pouted while taking a few steps closer to her again, but with every step I took, she took one backwards. 

"Goodnight Blakey", she bit her lip while throwing me a wink. After that she disappeared out of the guest room.

"You're so mean", I said even though she was out of my sight already. But yet I heard her giggle out of the hallway. I chuckled now as well as I couldn't believe what she does to me and how she does it. 

I tried to focus on something else and put my pyjama shirt on, and the second my head appeared from under the shirt again, I saw Gwen's head poking from behind my door again. 

She smiled sweetly, which I returned in disbelief. She didn't say a word, instead she reached out her finger to tell me to come closer. Within a few steps I was back in front of her. Her hand gribbed my shirt and brought me towards her. Even though I still felt turned on and my body needed to take her right to bed, I did what I really longed for the most. 

I softly pushed my lips against hers. A couple seconds passed when we stood nose to nose. 

"Goodnight baby girl", I whispered before brushing my lips on hers for another second. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> " To be continued... "  
> Ps, do you know what Gwen's idea is? 
> 
> Love,   
> Noor

**Author's Note:**

> Lemme know what you thought!  
> xo Noor


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